Travels With Gilly

Milk Crisis: A Nightmare in G Major

2012-01-19T14:56:00.002-07:00

About six months ago, I came across this charming little clip from Sesame Street, which I had long since forgotten but I'm convinced had a formative effect subconsciously, and may even be responsible for some of the problems in my life. Unfortunately, I was only about a month in to what became a seven-month sabbatical from blogging, so my thoughts are diluted and full of cobwebs. Maybe it's for the best. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up. Not a frame or note has been changed. It definitely belongs in the "What Were They Thinking?" category. It's the story of a milkman, arriving just in time to feed a hungry baby. Sound cute and cuddly? See for yourself:

Yes, that just happened. What begins as an innocent demonstration of where milk comes from quickly turns into a descent into hell. When the music turns ominous, I'm sure that the truck is going to crash and the baby is going to starve. Before long, I'm sobbing. "Please, someone, anyone get the kid some milk!" And indeed, all ends well, except for some emotional scarring that will surface decades later after the kid's third divorce and a bout with alcoholism. Perhaps American kids are just too spoiled. In the Old World, fairy tales used to end with naughty or disobedient children being disemboweled or skinned alive. But I digress.

The good news is, that kind of horror show would never air today. But unfortunately, Sesame Street producers seem to have no balls at all nowadays. Even Katy Perry's cleavage was deemed too offensive to make it to the final cut of a show last year. Thanks a lot, overzealous Christians. The Cookie Monster has been neutered, having undergone electro-shock therapy to adjust his diet to be well-balanced. Thanks, pantywaist granola-eating hippies. I'd like to think that there's some kind of happy medium. But I'm afraid the sheer weirdness of my childhood can now be enjoyed only on YouTube. Here's to the 1970s and early eighties. And now, as an apology for the disturbing content from before, once again with the help of Sesame Street, we take you back to a happier time. Who of us doesn't have a cherished childhood memory of walking through Manhattan, alone, to take your pet llama to the dentist? Fair warning: if you watch even half of this video, this song will be stuck in your head for weeks. Enjoy!

James Earl Jones + Justin Bieber 4Ever

2012-01-12T23:47:00.002-07:00

Okay, so this is neither original nor thought-provoking, but I came across it and it made me laugh: James Earl Jones reading the lyrics of a Justin Bieber song. Read aloud, it's even more asinine, and making him do it is probably elder abuse. He could have at least thumbed his nose at the retards on The Gayle King Show by saying, "Oh, baby, baby, I find your lack of faith disturbing". But I hope you enjoy. And even more, I hope he will agree to narrate my life. Good night, everyone.

Happy Boxing Day

2011-12-26T22:53:00.003-07:00

So, I know it's been almost seven months. I intended to come back after a summer sabbatical, like a new season of your favorite sitcom, but time got away from me. I'm going to make a point of blogging during breaks from work in 2012. But I had a great idea about Boxing Day: a Rocky marathon, except for Rocky V, which never happened. (Get it, boxing?) Unfortunately, I failed to implement it, despite ideal conditions (cold outside, day-after-Christmas blahs, a bit of stomach cramping and relatively low demands from the fandamily). But that led to an even better idea. Every December 26, we dispense with the feel-good peace-on-earth mumbo jumbo and box the ears of the person who has most pissed us off that year. You can only pick one, so it doesn't descend into all-out war. This also increases your chances for success in your 2012 resolutions (for those who are inclined to do such things), because if you play your cards right, you're ridding yourself of your worst frustration and have one less albatross dragging you down. I, of course, claim exemption for mine own ears, having come up with an idea that may revolutionize the holidays. Gina, please present your ears at 5:30 pm tomorrow. And to the rest of you, Happy New Year. See you again in 2012.

A Song of the Sea

2011-05-29T19:57:00.005-06:00

So, I just happened to find out this morning that the theme song from Southland is an actual song, with lyrics, and not only is it beautiful, but it's Portuguese, and the lady who made this version of Cancao do Mar (Song of the Sea) an international hit, Dulce Pontes, is from Montijo, a town I served in for four and a half months that is not much bigger than my hometown. I don't know how I missed not only this, but her. I was out from 1998 to 2000, when she was around 30 and had already had some success. I knew the Portuguese had some cool fados, songs of mourning and loss that, I hate to say, are basically Portugal's only music worth a damn. I went to Portugal figuring that, like the rest of Western Europe, they'd have some great singers and musicians. Not only did I play the piano in sacrament every week, including in the largest ward in the country, but the Portuguese have some very unfortunate singing voices (as well as some very unfortunate-looking women, but that's a story for another day). They belted it out better than most stateside congregations in volume, but pitch-wise, they sound about like badgers getting a proctology exam from Captain Hook. I am going to have to do some research to see if any of my old cohorts know this woman. I hope you enjoy, especially my friend Mary, who is of Portuguese descent and is much easier on the eyes, but has had a rough couple of weeks.

Also... Gina, don't lust too much after the naked guy who appears on the left at around 1:50. He does have great abs. There was a video on YouTube that I liked better, but embedding was disabled, so you'll just have to look at the paintings courteously provided by MariaSlide. Have a great Memorial Day!

The Legacy of a Generous Heart

2011-05-16T09:59:00.006-06:00

21 years ago today was the death of Muppets creator Jim Henson. This is the final song of a medley of Henson's favorite songs, sung at the end of his funeral in New York on May 21, 1990. I dare you not to cry. Richard Hunt, the voice of Scooter, died less than two years later, and seeing his face among other early Muppeteers who are now gone or retired makes it even sadder and sweeter. I grew up with the Muppets during what was possibly the height of their popularity when I was a very small child in the early 1980s, and was a regular viewer of the early(ish) days of Sesame Street. I don't think it would be a stretch to say that Jim Henson is responsible for many children's happiest moments. His vision and imagination rival virtually anyone born in the past century. My mother told me I had a particular love for the Swedish Chef, and would laugh uncontrollably when he came on. (In fact, he's still one of my faves).

Anyway, this month has been pretty good so far, breaking me out of my recent stretch of crappy Mays, but last week I was getting fed up with some of the shitty news out there (the Botox mom, among two or three other stories), and needed something to give me hope in humanity. Somehow, I stumbled across this, and I was able to break out of thinking that mankind is irretrievably damaged and think on the people who have been touched worldwide by one of my heroes, and put my focus back on the possibilities in the world that every single person represents. There is also a new Muppets movie coming out the week of Thanksgiving, starring and written and produced by Muppet enthusiast Jason Segel, with Amy Adams co-starring, and cameos up the wazoo. So really, that's a double rainbow. At any rate, I hope this clip brightens your day, and that our children, and children everywhere get to enjoy simple, innocent days with goofy Muppets cavorting and scampering across the screen and bringing pure joy with them.

And now, some curmudgeonly grumbling...

2011-04-30T14:20:00.004-06:00

Get ready for bitching, moaning, grumbling and grousing. Apparently I am much closer to old farthood than I thought possible. This morning as I was driving home from Burger King with my Croissanwich, I heard a classic rock station playing More Than Words. AND I OBJECT MOST VOCIFEROUSLY! What the hell? I have heard some 1980s tunes from U2 creeping onto the Arrow playlist (103.5, Utah's most popular classic rock station), but I have to object to this. Admittedly it's a little older than I thought; it was released on single in 1991 (I was thinking more like 1995, mostly because it sounds like most of the crap that came out after Kurt Cobain died during my freshman year of high school). And the band that made it, Extreme, definitely had the look of butt rockers. And I get that it's been twenty years, and I'm not that young any more (I'll be 32 on August 25), but I'm not that old, dagnabbit! And to be honest, More Than Words only barely qualifies as rock anyway. If I start hearing Breakfast at Tiffany's or Blues Traveler's Run-Around, or Kiss From a Rose, or God help me, anything by Green Day or Weezer on classic stations, I'm gonna start handing out compound fractures like a Chinese lady handing out free Szechuan chicken samples at a shopping mall food court. I will do it. I expect at least another decade before I have to start feeling middle aged. That is all.

Why I Love Barter

2011-04-21T11:20:00.002-06:00

Most of you know what I do for a living... kind of. I own what's called a barter exchange (mine is called All Business Barter), which way too few businesses are utilizing, and many don't even realize exist. The short and skinny of it is that I help bring new business in that almost drops into my clients' laps because it's being offered on trade, and help them spend it on things they need that they're either using cash for or that they'd like to do and don't necessarily have in their budget. It's really quite magical. You can get a $1300 couch or a couple grand worth of dental work for much less in actual cash cost. Business used to be done that way almost exclusively (as in "I'll trade you that there mangy ole mule fer that sack of flour and a wagon axle"). I just use technology to facilitate the whole deal, safeguard against one party getting the short end of the stick, and broker their needs and wants. I've been in the biz for over five years, and in addition to making a real difference in the lives of others, have gotten some amazing things for myself and my family. Meals at restaurants, carpet cleaning, auto repair, furniture, and new tile for our kitchen, and more than I could probably even remember. At any rate, the video below is from Saturn Barter in the Seattle area and is a pretty good quick sum-up of what I'm all about. I'm hoping in the coming months to get a videographer to do a similar video for my website (on trade, of course). Hopefully this is something that will be of interest to many of you who haven't quite gotten a firm grasp of what I actually do, and be interesting at the same time. I promise, this post is not a phone-in. It's one I've been meant to do for a long while, and if even one person gets some ideas of the possibilities that are out there, and is able to incorporate it in some way, through an exchange or just being more active in trading on their own, I'll consider it very worthwhile. Enjoy!

Tales of the White Trash

2011-04-05T11:19:00.007-06:00

So there I was... last Friday, we got our tax refund, which had been due February 25. Amy had a hard week with Jackson home from school with a cough three out of five weekdays (and no coinciding sick behavior like sleeping and giving his poor mom a break). We were able to pay off a couple of significant debts, and I thought it appropriate to take Amy out. I had in mind something at least relatively nice... honestly, Texas Roadhouse is the one chain I love above all others, and my blood count was low on steak. Buuuuut, our babysitter arrived later than planned, and we didn't even leave the house until 7:15 (shut up, that's late. This will all come into play. Shut up). What I was really hoping for was to let Amy shop to her heart's content, since she seems to often get shafted on clothes and shoes in our family budget. And you should also know that everything in Layton, Utah, even our mall, closes insanely, inexplicably, retardedly early. Yeah, I said retardedly, and I meant it. Even on weekends, most of the mall stores are closed at 9. Anyway, we tried to get in at Outback, and there was a 45-50 minute wait. When I get hungry, it makes me 1. grumpy, 2. stupid, and 3. overly optimistic about potential deliciousness. So I did something terrible. I settled for the restaurant right next door. The Golden Corral.

I honestly don't know where some of these people come from. Outside what is actually a pretty good salad bar (and come on, as long as it's fresh and there is a selection, how do you mess up salad?), the Corral provides a smattering of fried food and obese patrons that can only be rivaled by state fairs. Dinner buffet is a little over $10 per person, but after taxes and tips for the so-called "waitress" who is responsible for nothing but bringing you drinks, we spent $28, and I find it amazing what a difference of maybe five or ten dollars would have gotten us at a real restaurant. There are a few less greasy options, most of them edible but none done particularly well. The most egregious offense was Amy's chocolate "truffle." Such lies! It had the flavor and consistency of chocolate frosting. Although to be honest, it had sprinkles on it, which is usually not the sign of gourmet anything. What can I say, Amy is a trusting person. There were a few similarly misled young couples and families, but for the most part, this is what the customers look like:

In fact, the woman pictured above is probably in the top 3 percent of persons frequenting the Corral. She at least has the appearance of respectability, and may be highly intelligent and very pleasant to interact with. On this gal, it's just the size and frumpiness I'm pointing out as a general idea of the Golden Corral dining experience. I truly don't have a lot of prejudices, but I have two exceptions I make no apologies for: gypsies (who are mostly in Europe, so I don't have to deal with them) and white trash (basically American gypsies). The reason? I believe you can be poor and dignified. On my paternal side of the family, I come from rural Southeast Idaho stock that definitely knew hard times, but they were also strong, clean, hardworking people. I suppose if I were being fair, I would expand the term white trash to include hatred for trash of all races, since we're talking mostly about behaviors here, although who am I to lie that appearance isn't a major component? It totally is. But there is definitely black white trash, and Asian white trash if you've ever seen the movie Gran Torino, and as I mentioned, gypsies could probably be considered Europe's answer to white trash, and other than geographical distance, as far as I'm concerned, we could use the two terms interchangeably. But it doesn't pack the same punch without the word white attached to it. Do I qualify as racist? And am I going to hell? Perhaps. Frankly, if hating white trash is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

At any rate, we ended up not shopping after running into Amy's sister at her workstation at the mall JC Penney, so the entire nice evening out I'd pictured came to naught. I am fortunate to have parents who volunteer to watch our kids once a month, so this Friday, I'll be able to get the Golden Corral experience rinsed from my mouth, and even if we get fast food, or go to enjoy the overt redneck-ness of Cracker Barrel, we can hold our heads high, and never see this brand of trailer cuisine again, at least until the next time I sell my soul for convenience and cheap steak.

Introducing Gangstagrass

2011-03-27T21:48:00.001-06:00

I've got a treat for anyone with true musical taste. I heard about the FX show Justified last year, and was able to catch up on it when its first season came out on DVD a few months ago. It's now one of my personal faves, and I got amazingly lucky when FX was added to my cable package in February at no additional charge just before the start of Season 2. The show is good enough that I could blog about it, but it's actually the theme song and the band who sings it that I want to give some Amens to. The band is Gangstagrass, a group of musicians that combine authentic bluegrass (which is a natural fit with the show's Kentucky setting), and... wait for it... rap (!) into a new genre. It sounds like a potential disaster, but I dig it. This particular video is the full-length version of the song, with clips from the show interspersed. Elmore Leonard, the fiction writer who wrote the short story on which Justified is based, (and who is now 85 years old), says it best: "Rench (the vocalist and producer) and his friends have done nothing short of creating a new form of music. Gangstagrass takes two types of music that are opposites and mixes them together brilliantly in a way that is natural and enjoyable". I've heard several of their songs and have to tip my hat to people who are willing to think waaaaay outside the box. I hope you enjoy.

Ode to the B movies

2011-03-23T12:09:00.006-06:00

Time got away from me again. I was pretty sick for most of last week. This post is not going to be a masterpiece, but it's an entry I've been meaning to write for a while. I've run across a lot of B movies in the past few weeks, and not only that, but read a book by Bruce Campbell, the modern-day king of B movies, and saw a couple of movies about B movies and the people who love them. It's given me a new appreciation for not only the craft, but the people involved in bringing us their low-budget, sometimes trashy, but often brilliant and always resourceful visions.

A couple of months ago, I got a documentary from my Netflix called Best Worst Movie, about the cult following of the infamous Troll 2, culminating in a reunion almost 20 years later, and reflections from those associated with it. The real-life characters who were involved in that movie are as bizarre as those in any scripted film, and I had a ton of fun with it. The Italian director to this day clings to the delusion that he made a good film, and the actors today lead lives ranging from a pretty functional and well-loved dentist in Alabama to an old man who feels he's wasted his life to a couple of others with clear mental health issues who almost seem too weird to be real. If you are interested in a fairly lighthearted documentary about a subject that has no real importance, I'd put Best Worst Movie in the ole queue.

A few weeks later, I saw Bubba Ho-Tep on cable, featuring Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead and Army of Darkness (also played Brisco County Jr. and several small parts in more mainstream movies, for those of you who are too highbrow for Sam Raimi's early days), and loved its strange storyline of an aging Elvis and an old black man who claims to be JFK facing off against an ancient Egyptian mummy who is terrorizing their nursing home. I can't really add a whole lot to that summary. It's every bit as strange as it sounds, but the outhouse humor and performances hit me perfectly. I checked out Campbell's best-selling autobiography, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor, a few weeks ago, and it was just as entertaining.

Last but not least, Ed Wood. Yes, that is Johnny Depp in drag, missing his front teeth. This is one of Depp's best performances, in the least-seen but by far the best of his collaborations with Tim Burton. Wood was the creator of Plan 9 From Outer Space, Glen or Glenda, and a host of others that have gotten the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. But his own story is even more outrageous, and I'd consider Ed Wood something of a hidden gem.

At any rate, that's largely what's been on my mind. Likely at some point I'll have the energy to say something important, but I don't much want to burn energy on that right now. I hope my readers are all well. Once again, toodles.

"My Humps" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

2011-02-28T15:36:00.002-07:00

Well, not quite. But still a pretty amusing example of seemingly incongruous performances. I hope you enjoy it enough to hold you until I have something to actually say again. Peace out.

You Can't Go Home Again

2011-02-10T20:57:00.005-07:00

Today has given me some unusual nostalgia that came from a strange place. Jerry Sloan, the Utah Jazz's gruff longtime coach, very suddenly and unexpectedly resigned, partway through his 23rd season with the team. I am very much a sports fan, but am usually able to roll with whatever happens and not internalize disappointments and triumphs and magnify them to an unhealthy extent the way I see with the more fanatical fans out there. But today's news got me a little misty-eyed. In addition to being an outstanding coach and an amazingly low-ego person, and all the usual things that would make a fan feel sad for such a loss, Coach Sloan was the last remaining link to a piece of my childhood and adolescence that feels like it's now gone forever. Larry Miller died two years ago, John Stockton and Karl Malone are enshrined in the Hall of Fame and pushing 50, the Delta Center was renamed, and even Hot Rod Hundley is gone. I don't think many non-Utahns or casual fans across the country can understand how much the Jazz have meant to the entire state, or fully appreciate the combination of people coming together at the right time that made the Stockton/Malone years so memorable. It's one of the most compelling true-life sports stories ever, one that would make a fantastic movie. I consider it a Cinderella story, even without the NBA Championship. Not many fan bases can say that.

Perhaps the reason I'm so susceptible to such sentimentality is that over the past several years, I've had a twinge of pain at the realization that my hometown of Brigham City resembles the town I grew up in less and less. I had a complex relationship with Brigham. Unlike my brother Vance, who has more or less known since he was in junior high that he would live and die there, I never insisted on being a lifer. In fact, at some point, I realized that Brigham was a small pond and didn't have much to offer as I made my way in the world. But in addition to the normal growth and change in the businesses that came and went, and the faces that moved away, every school I went to for thirteen years is either torn down or no longer recognizable to me. Central Elementary was razed probably a decade ago, and making things even weirder, is the site of the soon-to-be Brigham City Temple. My junior high has undergone a major facelift, and I found out recently that its gym, which is straight out of the 1950s and I absolutely love for some reason, will be demolished soon. Box Elder High School has undergone such an extreme makeover that when I wandered over there last year to check it out, my jaw hit the floor. It was like an old janitor friend suddenly turned into an uppity, high-maintenance woman. I have no claim on the community, and it's unlikely I'll ever live there again, and it's not as if I was such a stud in high school that those were anything even close to glory days, but I can't help being sad, and kinda pissed at the school board who found it so necessary to make Box Elder look like Bel Air. The entire thing looks to me like a colossal Super Sweet Sixteen party, a misappropriation of public money during really lean times. The more I think about it, the more I hate the people who did this. It's like when Meg Ryan got the botox treatment. Meg, you used to be so cute. Now you look like a platypus. And my school looks like a wannabe Hollywood sexpot.

I should try to wrap up here, but I don't know if there is a main point to tie this all together. I know change is inevitable, and life goes on. And really, even if the landmarks had remained the same, you can't go home again. It just seems true on days like this that nothing gold can stay. To Coach Sloan, happy trails. I believe you're a good man, and hope that if my kids ever play basketball, they get a coach like you. To Brigham City, I will continue to smile and wave when I see you during visits to the fam, but will always have a place in my heart for the old you. And to the people who created that monstrosity on 6th West, I wish you pubic lice, incontinence, and an eternity of Rob Schneider movies.

Meet Paul

2011-01-24T21:13:00.002-07:00

It's been a couple months, but I've decided to try to get back blogging. From here on out, come hell or high water, I'll be doing one at least every Monday, with other posts coming sporadically as I see fit. On this first one, I'm afraid I'm just gonna mail it in, but hopefully you'll find it worthwhile. This is a trailer for Paul, coming this March from my heroes Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who brought us Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two absurdly funny British imports that have gotten these guys a major following in the U.S. This might be my own most anticipated movie of the year, along with Cowboys & Aliens. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy, and I hope I still have readers. Ciao.

I Wish the Justice System Worked Like This!

2010-11-22T10:06:00.003-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody! Rather than bore you with an overly serious, sickly sweet message, I'm going to give appreciation to one of the things I'm most thankful for: the poe-lice, by going back in time to 1990, when cops, judges, and criminals were less afraid to express themselves. The average John Q. Public thinks police work is all about crimefighting and tasings, but they forget about the musical side. Cop Rock was canceled after only 11 episodes, and voted by TV Guide in 2002 as the 8th worst show of all time, but it's bequeathed memories that you will never forget once you've seen it. I actually remember this show when it debuted (and had its finale) in my sixth grade year. With the success of Glee 20 years later, we can make the argument that Cop Rock was a show before its time and was actually a terrific idea all along. If that rationale doesn't convince you, here are a few of my favorite songs:

Rest assured, there is plenty more where that came from. You were too good to stay with us for long, Cop Rock. God rest you and keep you safe and warm. Gobble gobble.

Reflections on the Past Decade

2010-10-27T20:45:00.003-06:00

This is how I felt a couple of days ago when I passed my 10-year mark of returning from the mission. I know, it's really dramatic, and I'm still fairly young, but a decade is a significant fraction of one's life, no matter how old you get. I'm not quite ready to throw caution to the wind yet, but I can at least identify with the old bat above. At 100, or even once you hit your eighties, who cares? I'm sure I'll at least eat all the bacon I want, if not break out the hard liquor.

But back to the subject at hand. I've been back in the States for a decade. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Every October 25 stands out as another anniversary in my life that I always take notice of, maybe because it's exactly two months after my birthday. I don't know if that's normal. But this year I'm especially reflective. I've done great for myself in the family department, and own a growing business in an industry I love. But all the same, I feel the need to check myself. I kind of feel like 21-year-old Aaron who was ready to conquer the world has morphed into a cynic with ongoing hot and cold faith issues. I'd like to get some of that youthful vigor and idealism back. I remember the drive and enthusiasm I had for the first two or three years home, but I don't know how to recapture it. I feel like I've become too well acquainted with the world and there's no way of really ever getting back to my innocence, because I've seen too much. And I know the goal in life is to grow and learn, even the hard lessons, but sometimes I wonder how some people are able to be so positive. I used to think overly happy people were obnoxious, but I've come to admire people who do that in the face of the same things I encounter in my own life.

Anyway, that's enough of that. I actually am largely happy with life. I have some really great things going for me. I just wanted to get some of that out. No one commented on my previous post, so I punished you by not writing for a month. But also, no one complained that I was gone, so if you're reading, go flog yourself a few times. Best of everything to you until next time.

Have a Laugh on Me

2010-09-28T22:35:00.003-06:00

Okay, I'm still working up to doing the blog weekly. In case you were wondering, we're doing well here, healthy and happy. The baby is getting cuter. When he gets upset, he has a face he makes that, when paired with his wrinkly brow, makes him look like Benjamin Button, but all in all, he's quite fetching. I am a father of three, and so I know there is no such thing as an attractive newborn, and have seen no evidence to the contrary. At any rate, on Sunday the little feller will be a month old, so time moves on as rapidly as ever. We (especially Amy) are eager for him to find a schedule he likes and stick to it.

The following is from a comedian named Bengt (pronounced Bent) Washburn. I went to see him at a live show last month in Logan. I wouldn't call his stuff offensive, but it's not for everybody either. He's no longer an active Mormon, and lives in Germany with his Irish Catholic, smoker, Air Force wife (which he also riffs on heavily in his standup), but is not unfriendly to the Church in his act. And some of his observations, especially about the missionary days, made me laugh until my gut hurt. And I'm not someone who laughs out loud all that much. Those who know me best would probably tell you I usually just smirk at my own cleverness (lies!) and chortle a bit. It sure seems true that the freaks are most likely to let Mormons into their house. I personally entered the homes of weirdos you couldn't even make up. Anyway, if you like this, there's plenty more on YouTube. Hope you enjoy.

Presenting: The Little Nipper!

2010-09-09T10:28:00.009-06:00

So, last Friday, September 3, at 12:03 p.m., Emmett Lamond Orgill emerged reluctantly, but alertly, and immediately wailed about the cold. Here are a few pics, as I promised before. For those of you who don't know, we named him after Doctor Emmett Brown of Back to the Futurefame. (No, not really. How stupid do you think we are?) Emmett was a name that Amy has loved all along and took awhile to grow on me. But the Lamond part sealed the deal for me. With Seth, we used the middle name Pulham as an honor for Amy's late grandmother, whose maiden name was Pulham, a family that I don't know well but seem to be great people who have lived good lives. On this one, I wanted to pay homage to my late grandfather, Kyle Lamond Rigby. We kicked around the idea of using Rigby and Kyle, but settled on this. So he has a very old-school name, but not so old-school that he'll get mocked.

Anyway, special thanks to our families, especially my angel mother, who stayed with Jackson and Seth Saturday afternoon into Sunday. We are really happy to have the little tyke home, although he's getting circumcised in a little over an hour and will likely be pissed off about it. We are totally in love with him, and with the NFL season also starting tonight, what else can a man ask for? I'll be back again in a few days. Take care.

Looking not-so-happy to be here, just a few minutes after getting squeezed out. Those lips couldn't get any poutier.

New big brother Seth. He already functions as kind of a big little brother to Jackson, so I'm thinking he'll be ready for his new role.

All scrunched up and squishy. I keep trying to straighten him out, but he's like a Slinky.

My mom enjoying grandbaby number six. That number has tripled in just over a year!

Transitions, Fetus Update, and a Glowing Movie Review

2010-08-30T22:12:00.005-06:00

I've let the summer get away from me. Honestly, it feels like July just started, and now here we are at the end of August. Here is a quick summary: cursed the heat, made a bunch of improvements on the house, Amy grew larger with my spawn, became happy as temps dropped and football season came upon us, and turned 31. Anywho, I am so very happy that fall is upon us. I don't know how anybody can have another favorite season. I can appreciate each for what it is, but September through November is perfect as far as I'm concerned. And to kick things off this year, on Friday, we're scheduled to have Amy induced with our thirdborn. I'm really happy about it even though I know we're about to be outnumbered. We're probably going with the name Emmett, which took a while to grow on me but Amy loves. It seems to go well with the names of our other knuckleheads, Testikov and Superfly. I actually have had several thoughts percolating for a while for upcoming blog posts, but they'll have to wait a bit longer. I'm sure the next one will involve the little nipper.

In the meantime, though, I'd like to give a major endorsement to a low-key movie that is in theaters now, in hopes that someone will be persuaded to go see it. I love finding hidden gems, and it's even more rewarding to my snobbery when I catch one while it's in theaters. A lot of people bitch about Hollywood making all trash, or not having anything new and interesting. Get Low is the perfect example of why that is not true. Based on a true story of a backwoods recluse in 1930s Tennessee who threw himself a funeral party while he was still alive, Get Low stars Robert Duvall as Felix Bush, whose legend has grown to almost Tall Tale proportions over the forty years he has holed up. He hires the local mortician, played by Bill Murray, to spread the word, and invites one and all to come share stories they've heard about him. It sounds quirky, but somehow the movie is pretty accessible for just about anyone old enough to get it, and combines comedy with poignancy, and features a great soundtrack with contributions from Alison Krauss and Oscar-winning composer Jan A.P. Kaczmarek. And honestly, Duvall and Murray should be enough for any movie buff. Four stars. Please go see this if it's playing in your area. With that, I take my leave of you. Until sometime this weekend, toodle-oo.

Funny stuff from Nick Frost

2010-08-06T21:16:00.004-06:00

Those of you who know me well know that I love British humor (I guess I should spell it humour). From Monty Python to Spinal Tap to Jeeves and Wooster to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Hugh Grant to Ricky Gervais, I have great appreciation for the comedy brought west from our friends across the pond. In recent years, I have come to love Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, the creators of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. I just stumbled across a couple of Frost's snippets on YouTube that I laughed my butt off at. Women will probably appreciate the Man Cold even better. Who knew that the wussiness of men was so universal?

Bizarre Injuries

2010-07-24T15:10:00.005-06:00

I've decided I'm getting serious about blogging at least on a weekly basis. It's only been thirteen days since last time, so I'm getting better. It promises to be a strange mix of whatever's on my mind. This week has been strange due to a couple of oddball injuries in our family. Last Saturday, I was injured by a buffalo wing to the eye. No, Amy didn't chuck it at me, although she is getting feistier as she suffers with heat and child. I was just minding my own business, eating peacefully, and as I pulled it away from my mouth, a piece flew off into my eye, somehow making it underneath my glasses. I was more embarrassed than in pain, until I opened my eye and felt the burn of the buffalo sauce. It took some rinsing with cold water and a few minutes of extra care until I recovered, but let that be a warning to ya.

Even more strange was the next day. We came home from church and Jackson immediately fled to the backyard as he is wont to do, and after changing clothes, Amy went out and found him completely dirty from playing in his favorite spot just under the deck. She threw him in the shower, and as time went on his upper lip started swelling. And I'm talking comic-book proportions, like the scene in Hitch where Will Smith eats shellfish and his whole face starts puffing up. He looked like a platypus, but he showed no signs of pain, and was in fact in above average spirits. We called the pharmacist, I made a quick Sabbath excursion to buy some children's Benadryl, and it took two days for the swelling to completely subside. We found out later that what happened was that he'd been stung by a bee on the inside of his lip. How that happens I have no idea, but of course it had to be the autistic son who can't communicate. Here is a shot of the damage:

Anyway, I've been no stranger to bizarre injuries in my life. My all-time favorite was when I was a missionary in Cape Verde (a small island country in West Africa), and hurriedly got out of the shower when I heard a ruckus which I knew could only mean the guys were in hot pursuit of a mouse. As I did so, I scraped my leg against the jagged edge of a bidet (a porcelain plumbing fixture, popular in Europe, that is situated next to the toilet, with a nozzle that squirts your unmentionables as an alternative to toilet paper). I bled profusely and allowed one of my missionary cohorts who was semi-trained in first aid to stitch me up rather than going to the local hospital where I figured they'd probably amputate my leg with a rusty saw. I still have the scar, but came out of it much better than the mouse, who was literally torn in half when my fat, hairy companion tried to stomp him and lost his footing, sliding across the floor with the upper body under his foot. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty colorful day, and that was just the lunch break. Anyway, I'd love to hear any stories you may have of bizarre injuries. I'm tempted to prematurely declare Julia Munns Burdych the winner, since I know about one particular owwie that you couldn't even make up, but I'll wait a few days and see if anyone can top it. Okay, go!

Note to FIFA: Your Sport is Not Worthy of America

2010-07-11T16:18:00.006-06:00

Congratulations to Thpain for their victory over the freaky-deaky Dutch. With the World Cup now over, we can all now move on to football season. I mean real football, if there are any pantywaist soccer lovers among my readers. As far as I'm concerned, June and July are by far the worst months in sports, especially when the Lakers are in the NBA Finals. I'm close to renouncing the NBA as it is, but the Jazz have kept me paying attention for this long, and I'll continue following for at least one more season before the almost certain lockout, then I'll switch over full-time to college. You know it's bad when you can actually script most of the next year or so. Next June, it'll be Lakers-Miami, which will cause most of the country to wish both teams could lose, then the collective bargaining agreement is up, but with the current situation untenable, barring a miracle, there will be a major impasse between owners and players that will cause SportsCenter to be overrun with stories on a work stoppage instead of actual sport.

But I digress. Four years ago I was sucked into the World Cup when Portugal, the country of my mission, took fourth place, and this time around, I expected that I might start giving a crap at any time. I kept my eye on it virtually the entire time and saw nothing that captured my heart or imagination. Today's championship game, which I tuned into for a few minutes out of sheer curiosity, was a 0-0 tie until the 119th minute. It's complete and utter hell, and I don't see how the world can be so wrong about anything. In Europe and South America, for even a mildly interesting match between two local teams, the streets are empty. Vacant. Deserted. So I can only imagine what it's like when the stakes get high. Spain will probably be hung over until Thursday.

For years, it's been said that America is poised for soccer to break away and garner the same gigantic interest that our other sports generate. They've been saying that for at least thirty years, despite the fact that most of our guys couldn't even sniff the top leagues abroad. Major League Soccer? Please. At best, MLS is a low-level minor league on the international scene. But this year, the U.S. did show some major improvement and captured the public attention for a moment. I personally think this was just a hiccup, and most of us won't give soccer a second thought until 2014, but that won't stop the conversation. For a more detailed view of why I believe soccer will never gain the ground its supporters hope for, articulated as well as anything I could ever say, read Sal Paolantonio's How Football Explains America.

Unless, that is, FIFA's governing body, along with all others involved in the sport, adopt these rules, as suggested by Bucky in today's Get Fuzzy comic. Bucky Katt is a hilariously antisocial, hostile, and ignorant character, but I feel that in this case, his suggestions would vastly improve the many and varied weaknesses of the game that the world has been so obsessed with over the past month.

1. Put one of the forward's grandmothers in a dunking booth that drops her into ice cold water whenever his team takes a shot that misses the open goal.

2. No cleats. Everybody wears those lead-soled Frankenstein-type boots. (That should make #1 more interesting too).

3. All the substitutes are knife-wielding monkeys. Except the back-up goalie. He has a slingshot.

4. All the refs are MMA fighters and every time a player falls down and fakes an injury, the ref steps in and administers to that player the very injury they were faking.

Okay, people, tell me you wouldn't watch this, and that it wouldn't make the matches infinitely more watchable. Does this not just reek of common sense to rid us of the things that are most contemptible about soccer? Bucky Katt for President!

P.S. An interesting note: soccer enthusiasts, especially Brits, have long gotten on America's case about using the word football for our own brutal, far superior game. But did you know that the term soccer actually originated in England as an Oxford "-er" abbreviation of the word association? So they're bitching at us for using a term that they created.

Real Men Wear Pink

2010-06-14T15:55:00.007-06:00

Once upon a time, from 6th through about 9th grade (approximately 1990-1994), I was a pro wrestling fan. Not just a fan, but a fanatic. In fact, you could say my obsession became a significant tool I used to survive junior high purgatory. Despite (and possibly because of) shameless gimmicks and ridiculous storylines, I was hooked. Call it moronic, call it fake, or stupid, or juvenile; you could never say it was boring. And one of the greatest ever to grace a leotard was Bret "Hitman" Hart. He brought actual skill to the ring to a sport where theatrics reign supreme, during an era where steroids were starting to get out of control (more on that later). I somehow got nostalgic about this era of my life a few months ago, and started searching for books on the subject. I got Davis County Library System to order Hart's autobiography, brilliantly titled Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling. And in May, I read all 600 pages of it. That's right, this is the great book I alluded to earlier.

Anyone familiar with pro wrestling knows that it's as real as it is fake. There's only so much you can do to cushion yourself from the impact of piledrivers and suplexes (and turnbuckles and chairs). But the wear wrestlers' bodies take in the ring is just a start. In fact, if you Google the phrase "dead wrestlers," your computer will start to smoke like Snoop Dogg at Mardi Gras. There have been some high-profile casualties in the business, but many others, even famous ones, that have not generated much publicity. The media doesn't care because, at the end of the day, the general public doesn't care that much about a fake sport with scripted endings, even when there's a list of wrestlers who have died before the age of 50 - and the list is more than 70 names long. But if it were any other sport, those figures would make for a major scandal. Pro wrestling has grueling schedules, brutal physical punishment, and a tacit understanding that performance enhancers are okay. There is no off-season. There are no pension plans for retired wrestlers. The industry chews these guys up and spits them out, then their bodies give out and they die.

At any rate, Hart's insights into that industry are part of what made this a thinking book for me. But really, it only takes a paragraph or so to realize that even if you were an uppity reader, picking the book up out of sheer snobbery, Hart is a person of great intelligence. I got the wistfulness I was looking for, especially the first half or so that focus on the early days working for his father's company, Stampede Wrestling, along with many others who would later become stars when wrestling had its heyday in the 1980s and 90s. And it went a long way for me that Hart doesn't attempt to make himself look perfect. He is completely forthcoming about his extramarital affairs on the road (which were many) and use of steroids (much more moderate than most of his contemporaries). Imperfections notwithstanding, I came away with an enormous amount of respect for the man behind the Hitman persona, and can't recommend this book highly enough.

To end on a lighter note, the following is an homage to the pro wrestling wardrobe designer, from perhaps the most clever, hilarious advertising campaign of all time, Bud Light's Real Men of Genius. Enjoy.

Daaaamnnn, that is tasty!

2010-05-31T19:11:00.008-06:00

I'm back. I haven't actually been away at all, but I guess I haven't had much to say. At least, nothing nice. In theory, April and May are two of my favorite months because of the milder temps and fields of green. But for some reason I am noticing that for the past few years, spring hasn't been much fun. The past three Mays in particular, I have trended toward depression and poverty. This year it was largely related to a number of people not paying me, but poor is poor, right? I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to May being a sucky month, but I am looking forward to starting a new month tomorrow. I did have a few bright spots, and I'll tell you about those. Actually, the first one you'll have to wait a few days for. I read a book I really enjoyed and got me thinking, and that deserves its own post. Second, my family has been great dealing with me. I really like Amy. She's such a good listener and so understanding about the struggles my business gives me, and even the ones I bring on myself. Lastly, I ate one of the greatest burgers I've ever had, the Smokehouse Bacon Burger from Salt City Burger Company (seen above). They cook the bacon right into the beef. The bun is much better than average, and the fries are delicious. So when you have a good book, a good woman, and you're eating well, life can't be that bad, right? Back in a few days.

Paging Seymour Butz...

2010-04-01T18:31:00.005-06:00

In honor of April Fool's Day, here is another survey. What is the greatest prank you have ever seen and/or pulled off? Despite my appreciation for almost all humor, I have always been pretty uninventive when it comes to pranks, and I'm a little jealous of people with that ability. The first problem is that I am a horrible liar, and I think pranking is kind of ancillary to that. My brother Vance has no such limitations, however, and when he was a missionary in Korea, he had one companion in particular whose bed he would sew shut and whose personal items he would glue/tape to the chimney, just for amusement. I am a big fan of anything that doesn't do any real damage, so hearing about dumb, easily done things like that always makes me smile. I also recently watched a few minutes of VH1's Greatest Pranks Ever, and although some of them crossed the line, most were so well-staged and elaborate that even the most austere man (or woman) can appreciate them on some level. Here are a few of my favorites, in descending order:

5. Charles Barkley reading from a TNT teleprompter and calling himself a dumbass.

4. A college-age girl getting into a cab whose driver runs over a guy and then drives off, culminating in the victim hobbling over and pulling the driver out for a beating.

3. Fat junior high-ish kid setting up a beer stand and being mostly unharrassed by adults, even getting some college kids try to place an order and eventually having an old super-uptight lady tell him off and earning a comparison to Hitler.

2. Elijah Wood almost breaking down in tears when a cop interrogates him after he throws a can with a put-out cigarette into a trash bin and then it explodes on Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd.

1. A very elaborate joke on the show Scare Tactics being played on a girl working at an urgent care facility where a man brings his wife in to give birth, and it quickly escalates to a priest showing up, Satan's very creepy baby being born and committing murder fresh out of the womb, and the girl refusing to worship him. Really, it has to be seen to be fully appreciated. It was voted #1 on VH1's list and for good reason.

Anyway, I now give the floor to you. Be sure to invite your friends!

I've Been Naughty...

2010-03-29T16:55:00.002-06:00

So, if anyone is wondering about the progress of my HCG diet (which judging by the comments on last week's update, nobody is), I've been busted. After resuming the diet following last week's post, I spent the last 4-5 days eating basically whatever I wanted. The damage actually isn't too bad; I've lost a half pound or so and gone down slightly in my BMI. I visited my nutritionist, Maeli, today, and she chided me mildly and ordered me to buy a digital bathroom scale so I can see my progress. Initially I thought not having it around would help me to focus on how I feel instead of only the numbers, but how I feel is usually hungry, and seeing my progress may be enough to keep me faithful on the weekends, which are the real challenges for me. I am determined to get back on the stick and ride this thing out for another couple of weeks and at least be down 20 pounds. My big concern, which I anticipated even before starting the diet, is conference weekend. I don't think there's anybody reading this who needs the explanation, but just in case, every April and October, Mormons sit around the house for virtually the entire weekend and watch the old men who lead the church deliver sermons and inspirational messages on TV (those who are stalwart enough to resist boating or camping in favor of 8-10 hours of good solid religion). It's usually a pretty big weekend for eating, since that goes along with sitting around, and in fact after the Priesthood Session, every fast-food place in Utah gets a gigantic rush just after 8 p.m. So, the trick this time is going to be not cheating, or cheating only minimally. Thursday I will have a survey post up, and a brief update of my pre-weekend weigh-in. Until then, I wish you all Godspeed.

I Feel Hungry...

2010-03-23T14:39:00.004-06:00

So, that's me after one week of HCG. Mission accomplished! Okay, I know a tub of goo like me is in no danger of looking like a meth addict, and I'll probably never be as dreamy as Christian Bale, even the disgustingly skinny version in The Machinist. But I did lose seven pounds. Even better, my body fat dropped from 27 percent down to 25. And that was with a major 2-day hiccup! On Saturday, I jumped off the wagon when I had no work to distract me, and then Sunday, Amy was throwing up everything but the kitchen sink, and I started to have stomach trouble and suspended the diet for another day. Had that not happened, it would have easily been ten or twelve pounds lost. Now that I've seen some results, it's strengthened my resolve to be good for another week (which was getting iffy). I thought that not weighing in regularly would help me to keep my focus on feeling better and not just a number, but if I'd have had a scale in the house, it might have stopped me from ransacking the chips and making myself a bagel Saturday afternoon. Anyway, progress has been made and I'm extremely happy considering this weekend's lapse.

The biggest surprise of the week was how easy it was. I was hungry, but I really didn't feel like I was starving. A few days in, my stomach felt a little flatter and I felt trimmer. Eating oranges became a delicious treat, and diet soda (which I have hated for a long time) tasted amazingly sweet. And my energy was a lot better without all the sugar I'd been taking in the previous week. I'd still prefer not to be on this thing, but I am looking forward to getting all up in Gina's face as she swallows another mayo-slathered fried Twinkie whole. She'll be so proud.

Anywho, just checking in. I'll try to put together another survey before the start of the weekend. Until then, think skinny thoughts and enjoy all the wonderful things I can't have.

Just Call Me Fatty McButterpants

2010-03-15T17:44:00.002-06:00

I've known this day was coming for a good six months. Tomorrow I start the three-week HCG diet. Most of my marriage I've been around 225 pounds, but I gained a bit whilst in New York last summer, and a couple of weeks ago, I weighed in at 240. Then I drank soda almost every day last week and ate a ton of sugar, and got all the way up to 243, and 27 percent body fat. For my height and age, that is starting to get into some bad territory. Not orca territory, but I've seen the writing on the wall. The HCG diet has you on 500 calories a day for three weeks, and 500 very specific calories at that, and taking HCG and a couple of other supplements every day to help control appetite and maximize results. I was able to get a nutritionist on trade, and she swears that you don't feel hunger if you are consistent in taking the supplements and that it is much easier to keep the weight off by using her services instead of trying to do it by yourself. But I'm kind of eager to test my mental toughness. I might not feel that way in 24 hours, but I have every intention of succeeding, and plan to keep the world in the loop via the blog. Before long, I may be the runt of the family. Vance is pretty hooked on Mountain Dew and is all domestic, while Gina has gotten hooked on fried lutefisk. Anyway, tomorrow is Armageddon, hence the choice of music. I am sticking with this thing no matter what.

I did, however, abort the moustache. I let it grow for five days and it was getting fairly noticeable. The thought of being seen by clients and prospects was too much for me to take. If I were a computer programmer, I would do this, and get away with it. Computer programmers and web designers are supposed to look like slobs. I don't know how to trim facial hair that is that long, so it hurt like a bitch to take off. I guess that's what I get.

Lastly, some of you have mentioned that I failed to crown a winner for the Embarrassment Olympics. The consensus, between Amy and I, at least, was that Julia's moment was the most spectacular. I was totally in that moment and have played it over and over in my mind to cheer myself up, partly because I have a brother-sister relationship to Julia and take joy in her humiliation, and partly because she is kinda special, so she deserves a prize. About that, though, after ordering a box full of the Scarface keychains, I found out that virtually every line has one or more F-bombs. I traded for them using the Trading Floor my company's software provides, and figured there would be a "Say hello to my little friend," and a "Say goodnight to the bad guy," among others. Nope, it's basically eight very vulgar phrases. So we may need to come up with a replacement prize. If I don't find a good trinket, perhaps we can host your family for dinner at my house (after my three weeks are up). Anyway, I've gotta figure it out. Congratulations, Julia, on being super-clumsy to the point that people openly wonder if you are retarded. Anyway, until next time, I bid you toodles...

Dude, Where's My 'Stache?

2010-03-08T23:16:00.014-07:00

I've been bored lately. The winter can't go fast enough. Amy spent most of January and February curled up with morning sickness, and it's been no fun. Obviously, in her normal state Amy can hardly keep her hands off me (who could?), but out of sheer boredom, yesterday I was inspired to grow a moustache for at least a week or until she is feeling 100 percent. So I dedicate this moustache to you, babe.

Unfortunately, virtually nobody appreciates a good moustache any more, and there are very few who can pull it off aside from cops and former porn stars. It makes me wish I had lived through more than four months of the seventies. I mean, everyone had one then. It was sexy; so help me God, it was sexy! And it's the only full-length facial hair I can pull off without looking like Joe Dirt. So here is my ode to the fashionable look of yesteryear and its many varieties.

Now, you can't tell me that's not cool. Daniel Day-Lewis abides. And he created two movie icons, Bill the Butcher and Daniel Plainview. I can only wish I were that awesome.

Okay, the handlebar. It only works for cowboys and bikers, but this guy is bringing sexy back.

And of course, the walrus. This doesn't work for me since my sideburns are sparse, but I would love to try it. There are so many possibilities. From Ned Flanders to Goose Gossage to Ron Burgundy, the world is much more manly with moustaches. Let us not forget.

The Embarrassment Olympics

2010-02-21T20:19:00.004-07:00

This post is brought to you in honor of the Olympics, which I haven't watched a minute of except for a few minutes during the opening ceremonies wondering why k.d. lang was performing "Hallelujah" and wondering why k.d. lang was the biggest star they could get to perform. Then I saw Steve Nash, and I was like, "Oh yeah! They have to use their people!" I mean, after ice hockey and Alex Trebek, what has Canada given the world? Anyway, I haven't done a survey in almost six months, and I think this one is gonna be a humdinger. I am even offering a prize. I want to know your most embarrassing moment. The winner gets their very own Tony Montana talking keychain. The contest lasts through the end of the month (which is Sunday), so tell your friends. I want at least twenty entries. They don't have to be regular visitors to the blog, or even know me.

I have to say, I'm kinda hard to embarrass. If I do something outrageous that wasn't on purpose, I do a pretty good job of laughing about it. But that wasn't always the case. I was pretty self-conscious growing up. The story that comes to mind happened when I was 14 and our church took a waterboating trip to nearby Willard Bay with all the young men and women. I took my turn, and I felt the wake ripping my trunks off, but was unable to let go because another kid was using the same tube and had his arm across mine. Eventually we wiped out, and we switched off. The leader who had been driving asked, "Do you want to get in?" I remained silent and sat there just kinda drifting and hoping they would forget about me and let me drown with dignity. Making things worse was that my number one junior high crush was in the boat, and the water was cold, so if she got the full monty, I wouldn't be at my, ahem, best. Then a lady drove her boat up holding the offending trunks up and asked the passengers if they belonged to someone there. I became a punchline even for those who hadn't witnessed it. As years have passed, I've developed the ability to laugh at my own expense, even more so than I do at others. But I still want to laugh at you, too. This is a celebration of pain and humiliation. Ladies and gentlemen, the floor is yours...

A Movie Worth Checking Out

2010-02-15T19:21:00.006-07:00

I really dig Jeff Bridges. And I love authentic country music (not to be confused with most of the crap that comes out of Nashville), and Western movies and Old West lore. It just so happens that Bridges has two roles within a year of each other with a Western theme (the next one being a remake of True Grit). Crazy Heart has been the only movie on my radar for quite some time. I did eventually cave to the Avatar hype, and found the hullabaloo maddeningly but predictably overdone. And today, for the second President's Day in a row, I took off a few hours early for a matinee. It's not exactly flying under the radar, since Bridges is the favorite to win the Oscar for Best Actor next month, so I won't try to pretend I discovered it like Oprah, and I won't be too long-winded, but I will recommend it, and provide you with some music from Ryan Bingham, who wrote most of the film's music (which was sadly unavailable on Playlist; Google The Weary Kind or watch the Crazy Heart trailer to hear the theme song), and who I've been familiar thanks to my cowboy friend Kyle. At any rate, I wasn't sure how to feel about the film's ending at first, since it's not the standard predictable neat finish, but after marinating a little, I think it was perfect. At any rate, I hope everyone got plenty of nookie over the Valentine's weekend. Have a great short workweek, and see you soon with a survey I have been putting together. Invite your friends! Ciao.

P.S. Just one interesting side note. Colin Farrell plays a country singer in Crazy Heart. And amazingly, he pulls off not only the accent, but the singing. So, major props to our favorite drunken Irish lout.

Ever Feel Like This?

2010-02-04T10:45:00.003-07:00

This is a pretty good depiction of me in January. The whole month pretty much sucked. And most of it was due to sickness. Not my own, but Amy's morning sickness. Yes, yes, we are with child. Anyway, we've been through this twice before, but I swear it wasn't this bad. Amy has just been lying in a puddle of her own drool for most of the year. And I've had to do a lot more around the house. And there's no throwing the boys (who are the people responsible for most of the Ground Zero our house has become) into the backyard to play, because it's winter and we just have to be, like, responsible parents. It's such a crock. I feel bad because I haven't risen to the occasion willingly. I have made some strides with my business, but my mood has been foul, and I'm past ready to get this behind us, but fear that February will be more of the same. So here and now, I'm vowing to at least make myself better. Crossfitting regularly to get into shape (which I am finally motivated for now that I've fallen in love with basketball again), waking up at 6:30 on weekdays, and I might even start blogging on a regular basis. Today is actually one year since I started this thing, and this is my 54th post, which isn't awful, but I had only done nine in the past six months. I am amazed I even have 4-5 followers anymore.

On the bright side...

We dumped our dog. I know, it sounds cruel to take such delight in it, but anyone who ever met Ike knows that he's super-needy, to the point that he had become like an unwanted child. He was basically dumped in our laps when we bought our house, and the thought of having a dog was really fun for a while. He was great at playing and lap-sitting. But the last month we had him, I could barely restrain myself from getting medieval on him. Not a good thing. I really tortured myself over it, feeling like a failure because I've always been such a dog-lover, yet had such strong impulses to punt the wiener dog, and thought dumping him would be a failure, like a divorce from a valued family member. I felt guilty about never falling in love or bonding strongly with him. The only conclusion I can come to is that getting a pet, for me, has to be a conscious decision, unless we're talking about one charming mothereffing pig. (Those of you who have seen Pulp Fiction may appreciate this). In almost a year and a half, Ike never calmed down or shut up, was constantly pestering and begging, and couldn't handle being by himself. I assume the breed has a lot to do with it, something we didn't research until after we had him. The original owners dumped him for the same reason, but I always figured we could accommodate his needs and that he'd be a welcome addition. He is now four years old and has bounced around to at least three different homes. I wish him well, but also say good riddance. I'm taking the next three years off to concentrate solely on my other demanding creatures, and then we'll see what happens. At any rate, see you again soon with another survey or amusing anecdote.

Adolf Hitler Stars as Sam Fox, Elders Quorum President

2010-01-18T10:09:00.001-07:00

Happy Martin Luther King Day! Whether you're working today or not, this is just a little piece of humor for anyone who doesn't mind humor involving the mastermind of the Holocaust, or poking fun at Mormon culture. I found it funny and hope you do too. On the commentary following the original post on YouTube, everybody weighs in on why it's offensive and I mean everybody. You've got the bitter ex-Mormons, super-sensitive politically correct blowhards who think that Adolf should never be made light of, and the extremely pious LDS who find it a horrible tragedy that anyone could find humor in someone not getting 100 percent on hometeaching. Don't be shy about expressing your own opinions. Anyway, have a great day, wherever you are.

Getting Beaten With the Ugly Stick

2010-01-06T16:31:00.003-07:00

Okay, this is really mean, but earlier today I saw an ad for ANOTHER Sex and the City movie, and I just can't stand it anymore. Not just the movie (although that series always sent me running and screaming), but the question I have never dared ask in a public forum until now is: Does anyone out there find Sarah Jessica Parker even a little bit attractive? As a ten-year old, I actually thought she was kind of cute in Flight of the Navigator, before anyone knew who she was, but she seems to have gotten exponentially worse up to the trailer for her latest movie, which has me convinced she might be in my personal bottom 2 percent of all people on earth for comeliness. The changes don't appear to be drug-related like Lindsay Lohan and other formerly hot A-listers, and I'm not talking about the normal effect of aging on the body; I think Helen Mirren is still pretty hot at 64. I am generally pretty reserved about calling people ugly, but for over a decade, Hollywood has been trying to tell me how hot she is, and it's really messed with my head. Is there anyone else who belongs in this category? I find all of the Sex and the City skanks to be fairly unattractive, but SJP belongs in her own stratosphere. I hate to devote an entire post to this, but I need to know if there are people I know who actually disagree with me, and if so, what is it that makes her irresistible? Is it the horsey face? Her bony frame? Or the gigantic mole? Anybody?

Best Movies of 2009

2009-12-28T17:52:00.007-07:00

Okay, it seems pretty pretentious to do my own top ten list. Most people barely give two farts what so-called professional critics love. And since I haven't blogged in a month and a half, and on top of that, haven't seen all the Oscar bait they release in New York and L.A. at the end of the year, I can't make a completely informed decision. Hollywood seems to think that movies can't be both artistically superior and accessible to the masses, so unless someone works their butt off for seven years on the Lord of the Rings trilogy, blockbusters are out the window in favor of self-important claptrap like The English Patient. We lesser mortals don't get all of the year's movies until late into January (half of which is usually pretty good). In fact, this is what Hollywood pretty much thinks of Middle America:

And we all know that only the people who went to Transformers 2 live in trailers like that. Anyway, whether you care or not, here is my Top Ten of 2009...

10. Duplicity - That's right. I kinda liked it, even if no one else did. It's a corporate espionage comedy with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen. But the real reason to see it is for Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson as competing CEOs. Anything with Giamatti, even in a supporting role, is a winner in my book.

9. Taken - Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped and he starts handing out compound fractures like a Chinese lady handing out free Szechuan Chicken samples at a mall food court. The plot is nothing you haven't seen before, and his ex-wife is much bitchier than necessary, but you will get sucked in if you have a pulse, especially when he starts crossing lines that are usually off-limits in this type of flick.

8. Up - Okay, you've all seen this. It's Pixar, and it's really good, and it's amazing that it was such a blockbuster when you consider it was about a grumpy old fart.

7. Sherlock Holmes - I had a great time with this movie. Robert Downey, Jr. continues to move back up the Hollywood A-list. The re-creation of 1860s London was superb. And Jude Law is pretty terrific as Watson too.

6. District 9 - Far from a standard alien movie, this one has some real grit to it that made it one of the most popular of the year, and it helps that its message is handled with some subtlety.

5. Fantastic Mr. Fox - From the numbers on this one, a lot of people stayed away. Director Wes Anderson always does some quirky stuff, some of which I like and others I don't, but I thought this one was hilarious, and had the best replacement cuss words ever.

4. Adventureland - This was another one that kind of flopped, and it's too bad, because while it's not laugh-out-loud funny, it's a really sweet coming-of-age flick with an amusement park background.

3. The Blind Side - Another inspirational sports movie, but this one really stands out, and makes you wonder what life would be like if we all reached out to people who need someone to care.

2. Inglourious Basterds/Zombieland - This is cheating, but these two kind of belong together, at least for me, because they're both superviolent dark comedies with really twisted humor, and both made me walk out with a big smile stuck to my face. If that kind of thing is your cup of tea, you've probably already seen both, and if not, then you can just ignore this slot and move on up.

1. Sunshine Cleaning - I didn't expect to make this my #1, but something about it really got to me. Amy Adams is a single mother who cleans houses for a living and stumbles into the business of crime scene cleanup with her slacker sister, played by Emily Blunt. In the same way Lars and the Real Girl did a year or two ago, it takes what sounds like a really sick idea and turns it into something sweet and inspirational.

... And now, one to stay away from. I can't really make a full "Worst Of" list, because I try to stay away from stuff that looks stupid, boring, or whatever. But Year One was by far the worst movie I saw this year. Michael Cera and Jack Black playing cavemen? Sounds (to me) like gold. But it was straight-up retarded. It was a big loser at theatres, but I think I lost some much-needed I.Q. points by sitting through the whole thing.

Anyway, that's it. Thanks for humoring me. What were your faves/least faves of 2009? I'll be back in a few days with another post. (No, really).

Sometimes I feel like my head is about to explode!

2009-11-17T20:45:00.007-07:00

I'm back. And today I feel like focusing on the negative. The sickos among my followers may recognize the exploding head image above from the 80's movie Scanners. I decided to spare you the full video for the sake of the squeamish, but I want to pose the question, what makes you feel like that? I'm not talking about mild to moderate irritation. What makes you just plain berserk? Here are a couple of mine to get you thinking.

I think I tolerate people's politics pretty well. But this woman has me about ready to give up on the country. I can't believe she has such a following, and that her name is even mentioned for the Presidential election in 2012. I was suckered in early on in last year's election. All I knew about Palin was that she had an insanely high approval rating in Alaska and it seemed like a great move to get people talking about someone besides Barack Obama. But piece by piece, she has proven that she is not only a freaking loon, but deceptively ambitious and kind of mean. The combination of stupid and egotistical I just can't abide. I don't know how to reconcile myself to the fact that there is a large number in the conservative base who takes her seriously. I want to punch her in the throat every time I see her. And I hate Obama's economic policies. I love John McCain (the real one, not the one from last year). But this caption says it all. Having Palin as V.P. would have been harmless as long as she was in the most useless big-name capacity in the country. But if McCain's wrinkly old heart had given out, God help us. The GOP is having major issues, and unless they want to experience several decades of losing, they'd better get serious about who the face is. I haven't been Republican since 2006, but I don't want the Democrats to run amok with no legitimate alternatives. Don't go away mad, girl. Just go away.

It's gonna be hard to top that, but I also find this kid the most annoying film character in history. A few days ago, Seth watched The Polar Express over at my in-laws' house. When I first saw it, I thought "Meh," but the movie has actually grown on me a lot over the past few years. But this kid almost ruins it every time. I'd prefer Jar Jar Binks. And me's a-hate Jar Jar. No one is that annoying. I think that's all the negative energy I want to expend. I'll be back to my sunshiney self next time. But for now, discuss.

My Girl

2009-10-01T22:34:00.008-06:00

Seriously, how cute is she? Amy turns 28 tomorrow, so I'm taking this opportunity to appreciate her. I feel like I have an unusually easy marriage, or at least I did before we added our two bozos to the mix, but even now, I can't find much to legitimately complain about. We've been through a lot together, and Amy somehow is supportive and steady through almost everything that could be thrown at her. Starting a business, a lawsuit that stemmed from starting a business, illness that was brought on from the stress of a lawsuit, lean times over most of the past five years, and throw in a significant disability of one of our children, and it's a recipe for disaster with most women. But not with mine. She still likes me. And I love her. I love it when she laughs uncontrollably at a mildly amusing joke. I love her appreciation of childlike pleasures like crunching leaves in the fall. And I really love getting peppered with kisses on the mouth. She deserves to be spoiled, and I want to give her all the niceties of life. It is hard to really know people and predict what they are capable of. But I trust Amy that she'll stay the same even if we're multigazillionaires. Hopefully that complete lack of ego will rub off on others around her, most of all me. Anyway, my life is much richer with her in it, and I vow to do my best to make it a great day and weekend for her.

Also, happy birthday to Eskimo Bob, Sting (the singer, not the wrestler), and Don McLean of American Pie fame (the song, not the movie). In other news...

If I have any readers left, I am finally ready to get back to blogging. A lot of September was devoted to the digging of two giant holes in front of my house, which I finally paid a professional excavator to turn into one gigantic hole so that we could get a plumbing problem fixed (which was only a problem inasmuch as it caused the temporary cancellation of our home insurance policy). We've filled most of said hole back up, and now I am back on the stick and can get back to sharing my exciting life with you and not feel like such a

Anyway, good weekend to all y'all. Cheers!

Historical 50th post/Cast Your Vote for Most Underappreciated Actor

2009-09-02T22:24:00.002-06:00

Well, folks, only three blogs in August. That's a record low, even including my first month when I was just getting into this. But today is the groundbreaking fiftieth post. Thanks to my sister for reading it even when none of you other knobs did. Hopefully this one will get some participation, because it's time for another survey!

This month I want to get your thoughts on who you feel the most underrated actors and actresses are. Having just seen Inglourious Basterds, I have to start with Brad Pitt. This guy gets all sorts of press for his looks and being shacked up with Angelina Jolie, but he creates some of the most memorable characters I've ever seen, and has great comedic instincts. Watching him play Aldo Raine a few days ago, I was kind of blown away that someone can be so omnipresent in the tabloids and still so good at inhabiting different characters.

Number two on my list: Bruce Willis. He often plays John McClane or a variation thereof, but when he actually gets a chance to act, he can handle both comedy and weighty drama deftly. To see the former, and if you ever wonder what the world would be like if Bruce Willis were a total wuss, check out Death Becomes Her. Another favorite of mine, 16 Blocks, features him playing a cop as usual, but in a broken-down, depressed way that really takes you off guard. And I have to mention The Whole Nine Yards, where once again he plays a tough guy (a hitman, actually), but with a lighthearted philosophical side that could only be done by Bruce.

Honorable mentions go to Steve Zahn, Billy Bob Thornton, and Amanda Peet. Zahn is such a lovable goofball that his talent gets overlooked. See Rescue Dawn if you want to see him in a new light. And of course, anyone who can create a character like Karl Childers, a.k.a. Sling Blade, gets an A-plus in my book. As for Amanda Peet, in addition to being a really great-looking gal, I totally appreciate her talent. She can play sweet (Martian Child) or a total bee-yotch (Saving Silverman), and do them both effectively. Anywho, I now give the time to you to express yourselves. And as always, anyone is invited to participate. Okay, go.

Magical Me!

2009-08-25T07:16:00.000-06:00

Well, as of 0716 hours (the exact time of this post), I guess I'm 30. I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. It seems like 30 is the new midlife crisis, especially for Mormon males who already have two kids and a house in the 'burbs. I'm definitely not rushing out to buy a Porsche. Mostly I'm feeling old. Now I can't even pretend to be cool. 30 used to be ancient. I've been planning this post for a while now, and I intended it to be a lighthearted romp through three decades of pratfalls while smirking smugly at my own clever jokes, but I feel weirder about this than I ever thought I would. So, today I'm neither profound nor funny. Sorry. But I will take your happy birthday wishes all the same. And cash. Anyway, I'll be back in a few days with another survey. I promise.

Am I going mad? Or did the word "think" escape your lips?

2009-08-20T18:32:00.015-06:00

I've already mentioned how much I'm looking forward to football season. But it seems like there is an excess of sideshows this season, and I'm finding myself taking the opposite stance of a lot of people on these issues that have come up.

Case one: Michael Vick. Even non-fans know Vick's name for his role in the operation of Bad Newz Kennels, a dogfighting ring which led to his spending two years in prison and the loss of millions of dollars. Recently he was picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles, and there has been a huge controversy. I am a dog-lover, and having heard the details of the inhumane way that injured dogs were executed, and the dogfighting itself, I was glad that the law came down hard on him. But I'm of the opinion that he has served his sentence, and if someone wants to pay him millions of dollars, I wish him well. Not that I'm rooting for him to win five Super Bowls and go back to his life the way it was before, but I hope he makes a good thing of his life and doesn't end up back in prison, same as I'd wish for any felon returning to the streets. I can't get behind the idea of banning him from the NFL just because he's high profile. He's already paid for his crimes, and he has the right to make a living if someone wants him.

Which leads me to Plaxico Burress, the former wide receiver for the New York Giants, soon to be playing for the State Penitentiary. Last November he accidentally shot himself in the leg at a New York nightclub. He had an expired concealed weapons permit in Florida, and nothing in New York. Yesterday he got sentenced to two years in prison. I'm wondering if the world has gone completely mad. Isn't shooting yourself in the leg its own punishment? Not to mention the mockery that follows. A good friend of mine shot himself in the foot at the start of the USU school year in the fall of 2002. That same friend has gone on to earn a degree in dentistry from a top-notch school. But I don't care if he's Surgeon General, or even ends up as a Senator. I guarantee you, when that circle of friends gets together in our eighties, he's gonna hear about it when there's an opening available. Anyway, what I find really sick is that both these guys have gotten similar or harsher punishments than some child molesters. And for even more perspective, Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth received no jail time and a one-year suspension from the NFL for a DUI in which a pedestrian was killed. I don't get it. Even Vick's sentence, which I thought was completely appropriate, seems silly in comparison.

And now on to Brett Favre. I don't want to write about him, because he's been speculated and written about for six months solid now, but I am really wondering what is with this dude. I think we sometimes are quick to jump on athletes who retire and unretire. It would be a strange thing to be in a profession where you peak in your 30s, usually retire by 40, and then have to figure out what to do with the rest of your life, especially given that pro athletes' lives are their sports from at least high school on. But this thing with Favre has been going on for an eternity, and now he's signed with a divisional rival of the team he spent almost his entire career with, two weeks after saying he was done for good. He's missed training camp, which by all accounts is hated by almost everyone, but now he's put the team in a really weird position as he comes in as someone expected to lead. I generally am pretty live-and-let-live about comebacks, but this seems like it could really end badly. Favre is really going to have to prove himself that he is a part of the team, no matter how good his pedigree is. Anyway, this is all. What a circus the NFL is this year. And for those of you who really don't like sports, sorry. I still welcome your comments, since there are a lot bigger questions at play. I plan to release another survey on Saturday, so keep your eyes open for that. Until then, I must bid you "toodles"...

Farewell to the King of Teen Angst (and much more)

2009-08-10T21:28:00.006-06:00

Well, I've been back for several days now. We had a great time in New York. Now I'm back home, scrambling to make money after just getting my bills paid by the skin of my teeth. For some reason, we forgot to turn off the bills when we left, and there was a stack of them waiting when we got back to Utah. Anyway, we ate some good food, saw the sights, slept in a lot, and hung out with Amy's sister and her husband. I remembered how much I love baseball when we went to a Mets game at the new Citi Field, and found New Yorkers to be not only not rude, but very pleasant and many of them downright friendly. A subway worker, for instance, seeing my Minnesota Twins hat, came up to me and asked me what famous Twins player he shared the same birth day and year with. (Answer: Kirby Puckett). I found a lot of the sights and history very moving, and the next time I go I want to do it in style. Those of you looking for more details, Amy will be blogging about it soon.

As many of you heard, John Hughes died last Thursday during a visit to New York City, just two days after we had left. Four days is an eternity in the blogging world, but I have found myself wanting to blog about that loss more than the trip (but my blog is usually not of the travelogue variety anyway, unless I'm in a rare mood). Hughes was never nominated for an Oscar as far as I know, but he wrote and directed some legitimate classics, the kind that people watch over and over. If you're channel surfing and The Breakfast Club is on, you'll stop flipping. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Home Alone. Pretty in Pink. Uncle Buck. And my personal favorite, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. I believe that the reason his work is so well-loved is that he really understood people. His characters have a depth and believability that are uncommon, especially for the class of films he specialized in. He disappeared shortly after making enough money to buy a private island with the success of the Home Alone franchise, and moved to... Wisconsin, and became very reclusive, rarely giving interviews in the past 15 years. As late a couple of months ago, I searched his name on the Internet Movie Database, hoping for some news. I always hoped he would come back. But I'm grateful for what we got. I feel that I actually got a few nuggets of wisdom from him. Rest in peace.

Keeping the Romance Alive

2009-07-27T17:28:00.004-06:00

It's just about time to get outta Dodge. In a little over 24 hours, we'll be heading out to Gotham for our weeklong vacash. Thursday is our seventh anniversary. Not a nice round number, but if the theory of the seven-year itch holds true, we should be getting sick of each other. Generally, that's almost never true on my end. We certainly are in the part of marriage where it can feel more like a business partnership, and takes a lot of effort for the two of us to connect. Amy has certainly earned a getaway over the past five years of raising our kids, and it's been that long since she had a break longer than a weekend from the demands of motherhood. My main hope is that over the coming week, she can rejuvenate and relax, forget the tedious but constant pressures, and we can rekindle some of the romance that inevitably gets forgotten from time to time once you have two little numbskull boys. I can only dream of being as manly as this guy, but I'll do my best to give her plenty of male ruggedness. Travels With Gilly will be back in all its glory sometime soon after August 4. Until then...

My boy is a graduate, and he's not even in kindergarten yet!

2009-07-22T21:10:00.004-06:00

Jackson's graduation from NUAP (Northern Utah Autism Program) was today. We've been looking forward to being free of some of the inconveniences sending him to Ogden has brought with it, and having him attend kindergarten across the street. But Amy and I were both surprised at how verklempt we got at the end of this chapter of Jackson's life. And even more so at the quality of the ceremony. Having a graduation ceremony for autistic children is kind of like herding cats, so we thought it would be short and sweet, but they had some really nice touches while not making it painfully long like, well... every other graduation I've been to. Anyway, the people that run NUAP are wonderful. They love the kids as if they were their own, and it's a great support group, almost like an extended family. Moving on to kindergarten, even a special needs one, will be an adjustment. We feel very lucky to have had Jackson in there for a year and a half. He's made progress, but we still have work to do to help him reach his potential. But hats off to Anita Ure, Terri Drca, Jamie Tuveson, and the others who have watched over our boy.

Jackson staring into the Great Beyond and mulling his future plans of Goldfish crackers and a smoothie.

Jackson with his teacher, Jamie. He's not looking at the camera, which is completely appropriate for him, because he never looks into the camera except by accident approximately 5 percent of the time. Anyway, we're looking forward to more of these... okay, not really, but we're looking forward to seeing what other future accomplishments he's able to pull off, and other tricks he might have up his sleeve.

Can We Just Get to Football Season?

2009-07-19T13:44:00.005-06:00

I used to love summer. And while there are still parts of it I appreciate (mostly movies and barbecues), the wistful summers of my childhood, high school, and even college years are history. Mostly it's just hot. And nowhere do I feel it more than in sports. I like baseball, and in fact that was my favorite sport growing up, but I think I am more in love with the history and its Americanness than anything going on right now. It's not something I sit around for every day. Football I could watch for hours. It's really the only game that you get a chance to miss (and usually I start missing it shortly after the Super Bowl). The NBA Finals go into mid to late June, for heaven's sake. Every game in football counts. College, NFL... I don't care. I don't want to wish away the next few weeks, because we have a fantastic (and rare) anniversary trip to New York City coming up. The season is almost here, but it's Sunday afternoon, and I've just got the itch. But soon, my precious. 350-pound men in skintight jerseys, the crunching of helmets and bones, receivers having the ball sail over their heads and getting knocked into next week... oh yes, precious, fall is almost upon us.

P.S. I will be taking a hiatus from my Lighten Up Your Monday column due to low interest and having some other things I want to write about. If you miss it, let me know, and I'll give it another whirl and see if I can drum up a little more interest.

Ricky Gervais at his finest

2009-07-13T01:00:00.000-06:00

I am phoning it in a little on this week's "Lighten Up Your Monday," but hopefully you will still laugh, because it's Ricky Gervais, a certified comedy genius. His newest movie, The Invention of Lying, features the novel concept of a world where nobody lies, and his character tells the world's first lie, coming to wield its power for personal gain. I laughed my butt off at the trailer, and hope you do too. It opens September 25. Have a great start to the workweek!

July Survey: What Makes You Most Skeered?

2009-07-09T20:55:00.010-06:00

Okay, I'm not up to three times a week like I was gonna, but I'm getting there. We have less than three weeks until our big anniversary trip to NYC, and blah blah blah... you don't care. I'm still planning on thrice a week, but until we're back, it may just be twice. Not that I have many followers any more. But hopefully that will change with what has usually been a popular feature: the monthly survey. This month's topic would have been really well suited to Halloween, but I didn't want to wait that long. What scares the living daylights out of you (and what did as a kid)?

Is it clowns? A lot of people get freaked out by clowns. I personally am okay with them, although Pennywise from It is pretty freaky. Better yet, is it a children's marketing ploy gone terribly wrong?

Is it Pierce Brosnan singing? For those of you who haven't seen Mamma Mia!, the look on poor Pierce's face as he croons is even more scary and uncomfortable than the coyote-in-a-trash-compactor sounds of his warbling. He looks like he's passing a kidneystone.

The only thing I can think of that is a really irrational fear for me is power saws. I really hate getting cut, and although I've never fallen prey to one, I don't wanna. They're just moving so fast, and they don't even cut cleanly... I really prefer to stay away from them altogether. I feared loss of limb from Jason Voorhees as a young man walking home from my friend Brandon's house after a Friday the 13th marathon.

As I approach 30, I kind of fear old age, or worse, becoming bedridden and getting super fat. While I could lose a few, I'm not orca fat, and not in danger of becoming that way, but I am a little freaked out and a little prejudiced towards ginormous people. So I guess going to county and state fairs, or anywhere else that white trash gathers, I get a little creeped out. Anyway, that's enough from me. I've now alienated my obese demographic (and let's face it, that's everyone reading this... just kidding!) What about you? The time is yours.

Lighten Up Your Monday with Christopher Walken and the Three Little Pigs!

2009-07-06T01:00:00.001-06:00

Happy Monday! Hopefully you all had a wonderful 4th of July weekend. I know I did. We visited my fam up in Brigham City, ate some truly excellent bacon burgers, played fetch with Ike, and played some H-O-R-S-E at the church. And Sunday was a perfect sit-around day. Now with only a few weeks to go until the New York trip, it's truly back to the grindstone, since we are in need of play money.

Christopher Walken is seriously one of my favorite entertainers. The truth is, I love any acclaimed actor who can succeed in comedy, which is not only more difficult but shows a willingness to lose the ego and not take oneself too seriously (yes, I'm talking to you, Sean Penn and Russell Crowe). Walken has been almost exclusively in comedies for the last decade or so, and his deadpan affect, sudden off-beat pauses, the strange, almost Shatneresque speech rhythm are somehow perfect for dumb comedies like Balls of Fury and SNL hosting gigs. It's easy to forget he's an Oscar-winning actor. This clip seemed perfect for my weekly "Lighten Up the Mondays" segment. No other actor could read The Three Little Pigs quite like this:

Celebrate the independence of our country by blowing up a small piece of it!

2009-07-03T11:12:00.007-06:00

That was said by a truly great American, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Just a quick acknowledgment of stuff that has already been said much better and I'm not really worthy of anyway. I'm kind of a cynical, grumpy man on most subjects, with one major exception. America has the most amazing history and greatest form of government ever known to man, and I don't suffer fools or abide a foul tongue from liberal pussies who go out of their way to look for the scourges so they can deny the obvious. I'm eager to get celebrating this weekend, and once I've collected some money and made a few calls, I'm going to check out. I hope everyone has a great (and safe) weekend, and that amidst all the barbecuing, you feel some love for what you've got, and say a prayer for the people on this earth who didn't get some of your breaks.

Monday Morning With Biff and MJ

2009-06-29T01:00:00.000-06:00

This is Thomas F. Wilson, best known as Biff Tannen on Back to the Future. He has transitioned into a career as a comedian and musician. I first heard his routine a couple of months ago when he was a guest on a conservative talk show (that's right, he's a Hollywood Republican, which is not as uncommon as you might think). I think he's pretty funny, and a perfect way to lighten up Monday morning, and hopefully you will too.

On a side note, sorry for being lazy about my June blogging (for those who noticed). I haven't felt like I had much to say. Five out of six June entries were the Monday morning happy hour. I am feeling more in the mood now, and I will be blogging three times per week (including the Monday thing, a midweek post and another near the weekend, which will probably most often be Friday). The surveys will now be only a monthly feature, in an effort to maximize interest, and I have lots of other tricks up my sleeve as well. As a final thought today, much has already been said about Michael Jackson, and I will say only that I am surprised at how much I felt the loss. He is one of those rare celebrities that you can specifically remember moments of your life that he was involved in. This is probably on the same level as Elvis, John Lennon, or even Princess Di. We won't see another like him again (and I'm not just talking about the freak show that his life became in the last 15 years or so). Eight out of the top ten music videos of all time are Jackson's, and no less an authority than Fred Astaire called him the best dancer he had ever seen. I hope he finds peace, and that he's remembered for the right reasons.

Monday Morning Gutbuster with Jack Black and Will Ferrell

2009-06-22T08:16:00.003-06:00

Jack Black and Will Ferrell "Get Off the Stage" Oscar song - watch more funny videos

Welcome back from Father's Day weekend. I hope you all (all two of you) had a great time. My weekend was extraordinary. I took my woman to the early showing of The Proposal with Sandra Bullock on Saturday, then to partake of some Thai food. And Sunday was awesome, as I got spoiled almost all day, starting with breakfast in bed, then going on with a long nap in the afternoon and steak for dinner. And last night we did something we never do. We watched a late movie (Twister) and ate leftovers, getting to bed just before 1 AM. So I am pretty well ready to take on the week, although I know not all of you feel that way, and this is for you. It's from the 2004 Oscars. I love Sean Connery's face in the audience as he loses his composure and laughs his butt off. Enjoy!

P.S. You may need to click the link on this one to get it started.

Dave Chappelle as a Black White Supremacist

2009-06-15T13:58:00.002-06:00

I am a little late to save everyone from Monday morning. Sorry. I went on an early-morning mountain bike ride and got back later than anticipated. But hopefully you enjoy this clip from Chappelle's Show about the blind, black white supremacist Clayton Bigsby, which first aired in 2003. The idea of a black KKK leader was genius, so some of you have probably seen it. Either way, it's good for a laugh.

Clayton Bigsby - Watch a funny movie here

Warning to Eskimo Bob: Stop Making Fun of the Disabled!

2009-06-11T19:40:00.005-06:00

I've been under the weather recently with a nasty cough, and as such have been somewhat disinterested in posting anything but the weekly Monday Morning Gutbuster, but due to some really good prescribed meds, I'm feeling much better and realized today that I was in the mood for a little writing. I mentioned in my last post that my good friend Eskimo Bob recorded a fake interview last week with Chris Burke, the actor who played Corky, the Down Syndrome student on Life Goes On. At first I was impressed and excited. I thought, how nice. Bob has moved up to interviewing former C-list celebrities... he seems like a nice kid... I guess it's conceivable that he could be from Anchorage, or visiting. Then I realized that this was Bob... he and his race know no boundaries of decency... wait a minute, let's check Wikipedia... Corky is from New York! And now he makes a living as a motivational speaker! I was horrified. I laughed vigorously at the political incorrectness of it all, and the sheer balls it takes for someone to hire somebody to impersonate the voice of a person with significant disabilities and pretend he didn't know the difference between his real sister and his TV sister, and sing a song. I still laugh. It was brilliant in the same way as Borat.

However, I've been doing some research, and discovered than in movie folklore, people with severe mental impairments often gain superhuman strength and/or killing ability. Lawnmower Man, anybody? Sling Blade? The Toxic Avenger was a mere nerd, but same principle. And above them all, one Mr. Jason Voorhees. In the space of less than two movies (and the same number of years), Jason went from this...

to this. And Chris Burke has the potential to be the ultimate slasher film bad-ass. He might not even conform to normal horror movie conventions. He may not even distinguish between illicit teenage promiscuity and normal, upright relations between man and wife. So, Eskimo Bob, tread carefully.

Monday 'Roid Rage

2009-06-08T08:23:00.004-06:00

Monday morning already? That means I've gone an entire week without blogging. The reason for that is mostly that I've had a really bad cough and cold and just plain didn't feel like it. We did have a great weekend, though, with no kids and very few responsibilities. So thanks to my parents for taking our little varmints. With better health it would have been the perfect weekend. But still, it's not every weekend that the Mrs. and I are able to sleep in with impunity and go where we want when we want (which happened to be nowhere most of the time, and since relaxation was our real objective, there's nothing to complain about).

On to our Monday morning business. I hope, as always, that these clips brighten your day. And it comes with a moral: don't mess with Governor Schwarzenegger when he's clearly under the influence of steroids. If you do, you'll get the worst case of Adult Onset Shaken Baby Syndrome ever. The second video is a documentary about South Park's Jimmy, who found out the hard way how pathetic cheaters are. As usual, the ending monologue is brilliant (and includes an tongue-lashing for Cartman, who feigns retardedness to get into the Special Olympics, which somehow seems appropriate, given Eskimo Bob's recent impersonation of Corky from Life Goes On... you can't get more shameful than that). I think what's really sad is that we don't even blink when Roger Clemens or Manny goes down in flames. We expect baseball players to be doping. Honestly, when I found out about A-Roid a few months ago, I didn't even blink. Kind of a shame that baseball can't seem to go a decade without a scandal that threatens its very existence. But I digress. Have a great Monday, everyone!

Monday Morning Humor (And Welcome to June!)

2009-06-01T08:41:00.002-06:00

I'm going old school for this week's post. I don't know exactly when they did it, but it struck me as pretty funny, and even better, the guy playing the drunk was a teetotaler in real life. Anyway, enjoy, and have a great workweek.

Survey #7: Most Delicious Foods on the Planet

2009-05-29T16:41:00.004-06:00

It's time for another wonderful weekend, and I am happier than Madonna on Flag Day (that's a dirty joke, for all my innocent peeps out there). I'm also really hungry, and hoping the little woman has something for me to shove down my pie hole.

Speaking of pie (you see my masterful segue there?), it's time for another survey. What sets you to slobbering more than anything else? What could you eat almost every day and not tire of? Here are some of my faves, in no particular order. First, pie. It matters not what kind, although key lime, chocolate satin, pumpkin, and blueberry lemon cream are near the top. Also, Indian food. Again, it almost doesn't matter what the dish is. I could live in India and be vegetarian. Vegetables got no business being that delicious. And New York steak, as served at Texas Roadhouse, with mashed potatoes, rolls topped with cinnamon butter, a flavored iced lemonade, and of course the peanuts you get to crack open and throw on the floor when you walk in.

Here is the one and only rule: I ask only that you be specific. Don't tell me you like pizza. Hell, who doesn't? I want details of when and where and why it's so good. Oh, and also, because she is incapable of appreciating great cuisine, Gina isn't allowed to play. If she answers, just ignore her. My last couple of surveys haven't gotten much of a response, so I hope for better participation on this one. Invite your friends. And a good weekend to you all.

Start of the Workweek Tribute to Buffalo Bill

2009-05-26T08:13:00.004-06:00

Since Tuesday is Monday this week, here is this week's kickoff to the workweek. This song and video was created by indie rock band The Greenskeepers in 2004, but I wasn't aware of it at all until a few months ago (once again thanks to my friend J). It pays homage to the truly memorable Buffalo Bill, the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs. I am just sick enough to find it amusing, and I hope you do too. Have a great week of work!

Special Memorial Day Blog

2009-05-24T16:27:00.004-06:00

I really wanted to include a small appreciation for the thousands of forgotten and unknown soldiers who have willingly sacrificed all for freedom. Some of you may know this song by 3 Doors Down and seen the video, which played in movie theaters a while ago. It is a pretty impressive piece of work, directed by Antoine Fuqua of Training Day. There's not much I can really add, other than to lament the fact that Memorial Day seems to have lost much of its intended purpose (as opposed to Labor Day, which really is supposed to be all about sitting around loafing). I myself will be grilling and celebrating in normal American fashion, but I hope that we will all take a few minutes to remember the fallen, and offer our silent thanks. Have a great holiday.

A Cause For Lip Balm

2009-05-21T12:30:00.013-06:00

Tomorrow is the birthday of my one and only see-stor, Gina (pronounced Hee-na), so I thought we'd go through some of her favorite things. First off, decrepit old bony rock stars with ginormous lips and skintight pants. Who wouldn't want a piece of that action? And with her addiction to Chapstick, Gina can more than hold her own with the Mick, Steven Tyler, or anyone else who wants to suck face (although it will probably hasten her usage of the balm to every two minutes instead of her usual five). Anyone who wants to see Gina look like a total junkie, hide her chapstick. You might as well be waterboarding her.

Next, the luminous Barbra Streisand. Gina's idol. Before she goes to bed every night, she prays to a graven image of Babs, and always asks herself "What would Barbra do?" I don't know why she loves her so much, but she started the Utah/Idaho chapter of Cawfee Tawk. And she has developed some of her stubbornness too. From the time she was a tweener, no matter how badly she gets beaten, she always has to throw the last punch. Actually, sometimes it's more of a limp-wristed slap that just lands on the wrong part of the shoulder or neck that stings enough to force you to go back to give a few more Charlie Horses, Indian Burns, or Texas Chili Bowls.

A couple of banana slugs, who appear to be mating or something. They're kinda gross, slimy little critters, but from Gina's reaction to bananas (the fruit), you would think that they were slugs, or maggots, or worse.

Come to think of it, Gina acts like that with a lot of foods. The above picture (weedrats, as featured on Shrek, I presume) represents Gina's default reaction to anything she thinks she doesn't like. Sometimes, she changes her mind, like with grilled pineapple, then she struts around like she invented the stuff. But mostly, she is too weak-minded to accept the deliciousness of donuts, coconut, shrimp, coconut shrimp, any kind of seafood (even halibut, which may very well be what God eats), and dozens of other delicacies. And then she goes and tries stuff like haggis. I know it's possible to consciously change your palate, because I acquired a taste for a number of previously unliked food during my mission, and just last year, decided I really wanted to like pickles, and was able to accomplish that with some superior mindpower.

Anyway, teasing aside, Gina is a really really great little sister. She loves and spoils my boys, her little nephews, and she's taking us out to Texas Roadhouse the next time we're in Idaho Falls, with no regard of the bill. Here's hoping that this is the year that she finds the man of her dreams, someone masculine enough to tame her wild side, and virile enough to sire a dozen stubborn, picky, Chapstick-wearing, Streisand-worshiping babies.

Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Brighten Your Monday

2009-05-17T19:36:00.005-06:00

Okay, it's back to sick and twisted for me. I am adding a new weekly feature to my blog that I hope will get everybody's week off to a good start by providing some good laughs. I was inspired by Eskimo Bob's Rock and Roll Friday, truly one of the great blog features anywhere on the Web. Now all I need is a good name for it, like the Monday Yuks, only not retarded. Please leave suggestions in your comments and win a prize.

This week is a compilation of some truly awesome movie deaths. Respectively, they are taken from Shark Attack 3, Enter the Ninja, Undefeatable, Big Trouble in Little China, Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, and the immortal Troll 2, (filmed in Morgan, Utah). Troll 2 is regarded as one of the great horrible films of all time, even inspiring a recently released feature-length documentary a full 20 years after the movie was made, called Best Worst Movie. Anytime you have a movie set in a town called Nilbog (goblin spelled backwards), involving vegetarian goblins who turn people into plants before eating them, you've got a winner. I've never seen it, but aim to change that soon. It's now in my Netflix queue. I think I know what we're doing for our next date night, Amybug.

On a side note, my personal favorite is the clip from Enter the Ninja. As Cracked magazine describes it, the ninja assault "not only kills the man, but appears to make him lose faith in even trying to survive. After a moment's shock at the realization he's been stabbed in the heart with a ninja star, he just stares wistfully, shrugs, and then kicks it". Classic. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy.

Survey #6: Dumbest Inventions Ever

2009-05-14T10:36:00.003-06:00

I am going to be brief today. (Shut up, Eskimo Bob). By now, everyone has probably seen the Snuggie infomercials, and it's been roundly mocked by everyone right on up to Jay Leno and Jon Stewart. Probably the best parody I've seen is this one. But I wouldn't be surprised if the geniuses behind the Snuggie get the last laugh, all the way to the bank. We Americans are an enterprising bunch, and there is no shortage of heavily retarded products that have succeeded spectacularly. The Pet Rock made Gary Dahl a millionaire in a period of about six months in 1975 (which just seems to fit in perfectly with the overall stupidity of the decade). But let's not lie to ourselves that our generation is superior. I'll take Ron Burgundy's rugged manhood and perfectly groomed moustache over Adam Lambert's sexually ambiguous poo-face any day. And more importantly, people are throwing their money away at a record pace. And I want in on some of that action. At some point, I may just interrupt my business that is designed to help people, and give the masses the useless crap they want. What are your nominations for the dumbest inventions ever? Go.

Babypalooza!

2009-05-12T17:25:00.010-06:00

The little woman and I went to Lagoon Saturday, and towards the end of our day, I started feeling a sore throat and cold coming on. The past few days I have lost much of my voice and been feeling frustrated about being kept from working to my full capability, so I am about to do something unusual: I am gonna get cute and cuddly on yer ass! For those of you who have a certain image of me as a brilliant, ruggedly handsome man with a sometimes cynical, prickly personality, read no further. The picture above is my new favoritest picture ever. It is a baby hedgehog. It might be about the cutest damn thing I've ever seen.

It got me thinking a bit. Many of you know that I really love little kids, and usually they tend to like me. I especially love my own two numbskulls, but I've always had this dream of making a difference for kids who are poor, or don't have a daddy, and inviting them into our home, taking them to games and other activities with my boys, and helping to mold them into happy, contributing, successful, and reasonably likable people. Which is a real challenge, because once they grow out of the cute phase and develop a mean streak, much of society just kind of writes them off and gives up on them. Ultimately, we all make our own choices, but part of loving our neighbor is to remember that inside everyone you meet, there's a kid who needs love and understanding. So here's to catching them young, and remembering how we all start out, and what we can become. Enjoy.

A boy's best friend is his mother...

2009-05-08T07:49:00.004-06:00

...and on this Mother's Day weekend, I want to send love and happiness to all mothers everywhere. Growing up I always felt comfortable talking to my mom about anything, which I think says a lot for her. I knew I could bug her any time, even if she was asleep. And it's largely through her influence that I didn't turn out to be a total heathen, and reached adulthood without any Norman Bates-sized issues (well, I'll let you people be the judges of that...). Even better, she is the ideal grandma, and loves to spoil not only the kids, but us as well, by letting us off the leash for date nights and occasional weekends. And of course I can't forget to give loves to the mother of my children. We have a couple of rascally, extremely active boys, including a child with disabilities that at times only a mother could love, and Amy seems so natural at being a mom that I think there is hope for Jackson, Seth, and any future offspring to overcome the asinine nature of their father (whoever he is). Anyhoo, I love both of you and hope you have a happy Mother's Day, and I promise to make you nachos not only Sunday, but any time you want them. And same to all mothers of naughty boys and emotional girls everywhere.

I don't mean to say I told you so, but...

2009-05-06T12:51:00.005-06:00

Actually, that's a lie. I am going to say I told you so, and I'm going to be completely smug about it. I started hearing reports yesterday that the Swine Apocalypse of '09 is pretty much history. But then today, I heard a report of another case in Utah. A 71-year-old man returned home to Utah from a trip in Mexico with a quote-unquote, "mild" case. That makes, like, two in the state. I am just on pins and needles waiting for the third. I'm wondering how long new cases will be reported. It's like they're a little sad to see their non-story go, and hesitant to admit what a bunch of lemmings they are. If we get another case in June or July that causes some mild to moderate discomfort, I am comforted that they'll be right on it. PROMISE ME, FOX! PROMISE ME, MSNBC! It is just such a letdown that after all the buildup, there is no looting and pestilence. Can't we even get a little fire and brimstone? The moon turning to blood? Dogs and cats living together? Mass hysteria?

At any rate, don't let your guard down. Within a matter of months, maybe weeks, there is sure to be the next worst thing. Hell, it could be tomorrow. I am thinking sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Or at least some ill-tempered mutated sea bass.

Survey #5: Hidden Movie Gems

2009-05-03T21:04:00.002-06:00

The weekend has come and gone, and as expected, X-Men Origins: Wolverine hauled in a buttload of money. And not without merit; I thought it was a pretty solid movie. But with the summer movie season now upon us, I thought I would turn our attention to some of the underappreciated films out there. Ones that got away. Diamonds in the rough. The somewhat more low-key movies that come in under the radar unseen by mass audiences. They don't necessarily have to be indies; they could be older movies that have been forgotten, or really great documentaries. Whatever. I don't really care. I just ask that you think before you throw it out there: I don't need you to tell me that Lord of the Rings is really good. I know it's good, and so does the rest of the world. Here are a few of my favorites...

My list has to start with Murderball, quite possibly the most inspiring movie I've ever seen. It is a documentary released in 2005 about quadriplegics who play wheelchair rugby. These guys are not just in it for a friendly game, and it shows these guys as real athletes and real people who don't want your pity, nor special treatment. Disclaimer: don't pick it up for Family Home Evening if you are sensitive to tough language or detailed descriptions given by one competitor when asked about a quadriplegic's sex life. Four stars.

Lars and the Real Girl is a great little movie with a pervy-sounding premise, but miraculously very little raunchy material. It is about a painfully shy guy named Lars in a small Canadian town who develops a relationship with a blow-up doll he orders online, and the lengths the townspeople go to help him with what he's going through. It is one of the most unlikely sweet and touching movies you'll see, which is an accomplishment since it could easily have been a sex farce in the vein of American Pie. Four stars.

Without a Clue takes the interesting proposition that Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character created by Dr. Watson to mask the fact that Watson (played by Ben Kingsley) is the real genius. He hires an actor to "play" Holmes (Michael Caine), who is a bumbling moron. Watching the two Oscar winners engage in slapstick, and especially watching Caine portray such an alcoholic buffoon, is a ton of fun. Three stars.

An Unfinished Life stars Morgan Freeman and Robert Redford and has no business being on this list, but was released with such a lack of fanfare when Miramax Studios changed ownership in 2005 that it was virtually buried. Which is a real shame, because even Jennifer Lopez turns in a solid performance. It centers on a Wyoming rancher (Redford) whose estranged daughter-in-law and granddaughter arrive unexpectedly and ask to stay with him and his friend and neighbor (Freeman) who has become disabled after being mauled by a bear. The story is somewhat familiar, but the scenery is breathtaking, and it makes you feel like a million bucks.

The 'Burbs is a horror-comedy featuring Tom Hanks in typical good-guy mode in a white-bread neighborhood who reluctantly attempts to solve a mystery of a missing neighbor when a mysterious family, the Klopeks, move in next door. This one has developed quite a cult following on home theater and may be better known than the others, but was a flop when it was released in 1988. Funny stuff, especially if you're a little twisted, like me.

There are many others I could mention, but I will leave it there for now, and ask for some recommendations from you, my devoted followers. For now, sweet dreams...

Randumb Thoughts

2009-04-30T16:25:00.007-06:00

They're after us. Maybe it's me, but it seems like the news has been pretty lame lately, and with no real interesting stories out there, things that would ordinarily be only of passing interest turn into this:

In case you've been hiding out in a monastery, swine flu has completely dominated the news this week. Earlier in the week, there were a reported 149 deaths in Mexico, which Jon Stewart wants you to know puts it "last on the list of things that can kill you in Mexico," with the drug-war-caused "bullet flu" taking the top spot.

Ordinarily I would just shrug my shoulders about the oversaturation and exaggeration and say, "Meh, what else is new," but also in the news for the last two weeks has been the obsessively reported "Obama's First 100 Days." I mean, really? I don't mind noting the occasion, when it happens, but if you do the math, the 100th full day was just today. It seems like the 100th day of coverage of Obama's first 100 days, from every news outlet in the country. But I digress. Also also, reported just today, John Edwards's wife, Elizabeth, was sick upon learning of his affair (which was first reported in October 2007 and he finally admitted to last AUGUST). So, thanks for clearing that up. Until now I had assumed she was thrilled to find out her husband was a scum-sucking pig. And, also also also... oh boy, I've saved the best for last. Are you ready? This week we got the earth-shattering news that star Kelly McGillis is a lesbian. "Who?," you're probably asking. Oh, the hot chick from Top Gun. That movie from 1986. That lady who hasn't been seen since she played the wife in the crappy Babe Ruth movie. Okay, if this were 1986, or even 1995, it might be interesting for some. How long is the shelf life for has-been celebrities? She's in her 50s now. It seems like as homosexuality gets more and more mainstreamed, we're also becoming more obsessed with it. I guarantee you, if I had some minor claim that got me 15 minutes of fame a decade or more ago, I could come out of the closet and make millions. Take John Amaechi (please, take him). His book is considered groundbreaking because he's the first outed former NBA player. But you sucked, John. Horribly. Larry Miller should have fired you for stealing after you came over to the Jazz and parked your big ass on the bench. Doesn't matter. He's a hero. God bless America... it's no wonder so many people don't give a crap about current events with crap-ola like this dominating the news. Speaking of which, it's Thursday night and I'm hungry. I guess I'll go home and watch The Office and 30 Rock.

The solution to all your economic woes!

2009-04-27T16:50:00.003-06:00

I am going to phone this one in, but only slightly. Some of you may have seen this clip on SNL a few years ago or on another blog. It seems to be making the rounds recently in the blogosphere, but hopefully it is starting to sink in a little. I love me some cool stuff just like anyone else, but I've never been a huge consumer of toys and other worthless crap, and I'm generally pretty disciplined in my buying habits, so for us, it's just the mortgage and a payment on a minivan that became a necessity a few months ago (although I do have some business debt). I had a dream the other night that an elementary school friend who is on my Facebook but I haven't actually talked to in years sent me a check for $500, saying he had put something like 15 or 25 cents in a savings account for everyone in our third-grade class in 1987 and the money had now compounded to just over $500 for everyone. I haven't worked out the math, and I doubt it is accurate, but I have found myself really bummed in the last couple of years as I've realized how few Americans are truly debt-free, and what a mess we're in with our national debt. I really wish our public schools would emphasize a curriculum that includes finances and the magic of compound interest that can be either your best friend or your most ruthless enemy, starting in about first grade. I am starting to fall in love with numbers and budgeting, because I want financial freedom and the ability to help people and worthy organizations (and just be a lazy turd) when I'm 50. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and then follow the advice. Peace out.

Life at 1000 frames per second

2009-04-22T15:08:00.003-06:00

I-Movix SprintCam v3 NAB 2009 showreel from David Coiffier on Vimeo.

My friend J. Looney shared this video with his followers, and I was completely mesmerized. Apparently this is what things look like when shot with a camera at 1000 fps. You get a clear view of the most minute details. I could watch it all day, especially the gelatinous green toy, and the Jello at the end, which hangs there for way longer than you would expect. I wonder if this is how my boy Jackson sees the world. And I wonder if that music is playing for him. It sure would explain a lot. If my eyes were privy to every law of physics in slo-mo, I would be autistic and hyperfocused on mundane objects too. The original post is from a guy named David Coiffier, and can be seen in HD and full-screen on Vimeo. I hope you enjoy.

On a side note that is not at all whiny (okay, it is), it appears that my survey on dreams didn't draw much interest, or at least many comments. That's the last time I let Becca boss me around. I guess I'll have to stick to the old standbys of food and movies. I do have some ideas for future surveys, but if you have any topics that sound interesting, please let me know.

Survey #4: Weird Dreams

2009-04-18T20:58:00.000-06:00

I really hadn't planned on doing another survey for a week or two, but my cousin Becca has been begging for one all week, and I don't have anything else to say that couldn't wait for another day, so here we are. Today I want to hear about your weird dreams. I already mentioned one really sick and twisted one on my blog back on February 16 about going back to Africa as a missionary and belting out "The Greatest Love of All," High School Musical style. I find the dreams that I remember fascinating, sometimes much more so than reality, and often can't begin to put together how the hell some of it came into my mind. And what does Karl Malone have to do with weird dreams, you might ask? Well, during my mission in Portugal, I dreamed I was at a Jazz game, and Karl decided at halftime that it was time to retire, effective immediately. He got into his street clothes, leaving all the fans at the Delta Center stunned. I walked out with him onto the streets of Salt Lake City (in broad daylight) and never having seen him so close before, I was impressed by his physique. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and I said, "Wow, Karl, you have really big arms". He was extremely offended, and stopped in his tracks, narrowed his eyes and said defensively, "So?" I was a little bummed that my first and only personal encounter with the Mailman had gone so badly, and the dream ended.

Anyhoo, I want to hear about your dreams, be they traumatizing, humorous, twisted, or just plain stupid. I still remember one traumatizing one from my childhood in Logan. We lived by a brook (on a street called Brookside), and I couldn't have been older than 4. I was wading my feet in the brook, and crabs started pinching my feet, and instead of helping, my parents tried to push me in further. I don't know how or if this affected my relationship with them in later years, but it is the earliest dream I can remember. So, now I turn the time over to you, and invite one and all to comment. Take it away...

Jackson Appreciation Day

2009-04-15T08:16:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know, this is Jackson. It's his birthday, so instead of goofy, you get heartfelt today. I am kind of blown away that I've been a daddy for five years. We have gone through a lot in that time. I always felt I'd have a really hard time if I ever had a child with disabilities, and sometimes I did (and still do). But I have the cutest kids ever. I love them so much it sometimes makes me want to cry. If you are unaware, Jackson has autism and doesn't speak. But I feel so lucky that he is a happy kid, and that he comes into our world and shows affection more and more. I have seen other autistic children that keep their parents up all night, or cry a lot, and I think in most ways, we are pretty lucky. Jackson has the single cutest laugh ever, and we have really high hopes for him. Since starting school at NUAP, he's made a lot of progress and it's forced us to become really engaged in generating ideas about how best to help him. I don't know what is in the cards for Jackson, but I'm committed that he have a happy upbringing and that he becomes the best he can. I want him to experience friendship with an accepting circle of his peers, and have a girlfriend, and find something he can excel at, and I believe there is a great big world of possibility for him. Anyway, I'll leave it at that. I'm getting all verklempt. Happy birthday, little fella.

I'm surrounded by a-holes...

2009-04-10T17:26:00.000-06:00

When I first started this blog, I expected that I'd have a lot to say about current events. However, since the election, other than Inauguration Day I have been feeling pretty apolitical, partially out of winter blues/general grumpiness, but also because I'm waiting for the honeymoon phase with President Obama to wear off and have something interesting to talk about besides the recession. This week, with the attack of the Somali pirates on the U.S.-operated Maersk Alabama and North Korea's repeated attempts to matter by launching a satellite into orbit (which failed), I've felt the first stirrings of political interest in the past 3-4 months. North Korea always seems so desperate for attention, and I have to laugh at their tenacity. There is a long history of brutality and oppression in North Korea, but given the pervasive presence of asshole dictators in the world, it seems that the West simply has bigger fish to fry right now, and absent any real show of power, Kim Jong Il and his boys just aren't going to hold our attention.

Which brings me to what I really want to say. My friend Eskimo Bob recently blogged about a religious movement of Ultimate Fighters who want to accentuate the edgier side of Jesus, and his butt-kicking capabilities. I'm not on board with that, but I do think sometimes people forget that Jesus wasn't all sugarplums and molasses and baskets of butterflies. He said things that sometimes were interpreted as harsh, and was definitely not the pantywaist hippie that some people seem to prefer to see him as. Which brings me back to the pirates. I haven't kept up on the story continuously, but I was really annoyed by our Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, who was laughing about the situation in a press conference, as if to say, "Those darn pirates! Boys will be boys!" I am rooting for the Obama Presidency to succeed spectacularly, but I am kind of wondering why this isn't being treated with the seriousness it deserves. The pirates are completely defying the U.S. government, and it seems any time we should be putting the fear of God into them. Negotiation and diplomacy have their place, but not with terrorists, and that is all pirates are, even if Captain Jack Sparrow is a fun dude. I had the most productive week I've had in a long time this week, so I'm in a fighting kind of mood, but for the love, can we just get this handled already? That's all I have to say. Discuss.

Survey #3: Best hamburger ever!

2009-04-05T20:15:00.000-06:00

Well, the weekend is coming to a close, and I am all edified from General Conference, and I stayed up until after 1:00 AM last night after getting a sudden flash of ideas and jotting them down, so I don't feel like being too long-winded or writing anything meaningful, so let's just do another survey. As I've mentioned before, I love a good burger. Sometimes even a mediocre burger. Despite the picture I've posted, I'm not really belligerent against vegetarians, and only eat koala occasionally. But I am pretty much against any organization as smug and self-important as PETA. Anyway, what is the best burger you've ever eaten and where did you get it? The little wife and I like to go to Red Robin for a good burger, but I'm looking for great here. Something that just blew your socks off. It's usually the little dives. For me, I'd have to say the bowling alley in Rexburg. It never disappointed, but it's been several years since I've been there, and I'm kind of afraid with the growth of BYU-Idaho, the city and some of its local businesses could lose their unique appeal. Hopefully the bowling alley has prospered just enough to keep it ghetto and not gone all corporate. Bowling alleys are meant to be seedy.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Runners-up for me include Big Jud's, which in all truth might not actually reach true greatness, but due to my memories, which probably grow with time, and the experience of the place, it gets a spot notwithstanding. If anyone doesn't know, Jud's is a rural joint that serves one-pound burgers (one of which I took down as a freshman at Ricks). A couple of friends actually were able to pound doubles, which is just plain ungodly. I still remember my Japanese friend Koji, normally very proper, complaining of his heartburn the day after eating the double. Good times. Another burger dive with a special place in my heart is the A&W in Logan. My friend Kyle and I swear the burgers are better here than at other A&W locations. I don't know if it's the fact that it is such a unique orange building (that you can see clearly from some parts of campus), or that it feels so local and has been around forever, but there was truly no better place to go after a disappointing Statistics exam or just to chow down for no particular reason at all on some delicious hot cow, washed down with a frosty mug of root beer.

Anyway, I've already gone on longer than I planned to. Discuss.

It's colder than a witch's teat in a brass bra!

2009-03-31T17:32:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to complain, because I know we need the moisture. But I am going to start wearing a big, poofy, furry hat like they wear in Fargo and in Russia. In fact, I'm starting to think I'm in Fargo. And if I could grow a beard that didn't make me look like Joe Dirt, I'd do that too. But really, this is not very springlike weather. Except for a couple of weeks in mid-March when it got really nice really fast, this winter has seemed eternal. And we're expecting another storm Wednesday. And again on Friday. Then one more on Monday. It's like God's April Fool's joke. At least this will force Jack Mormons in Utah to pay attention to conference, and make me feel better about getting ten hours of religion this weekend (although, realistically, I will probably drift off for most of at least one session), and the weather can be as Fargolike as it wants.

Speaking of Fargo, can I just say how much I love the Coen Brothers and their movies? In my recent post on the worst movies ever, one reader expressed hatred for anything made by the Coens, among other classics. Dumb and Dumber might just be the most quotable movie ever, and stands on its own with or without your approval, Mr. Nathan Graham. As for the Coens, I have seen every one of their thirteen (to date) feature-length movies, and liked them all. Some are better than others, but I know going in I'm never going to be bored. I do agree with your general assessment of most of Jim Carrey's slapstick, so no hard feelings... you scum-sucking pig. (Just kidding. Kind of).

We've started disciplining our children with a strategy known as "thumbscrews". Just kidding, it's a strategy called "seat-away" that they use at Jackson's school, where the offending child is put in a seat facing the corner until they are good and miserable and penitent, not speaking to or making eye contact with them until that time, and it seems to work really well. I'm listening to the tortured screams of Seth right now as he refuses to take his seat-away like a man. Maybe next time he'll think twice before hitting his mother, or throwing food, or writing bad checks. Anyhoo, you stay classy, San Diego...

Another Saturday Night (And I Ain't Got Nobody)

2009-03-28T20:48:00.001-06:00

So, it's 9:18 on Saturday night and I have nothing better to do than blog. I am starting to feel pretty pathetic. We've put the boys down (not the same way you put down a dog, although it was a temptation), and Amy is in front of the TV, ignoring me and trying to forget her late afternoon and evening. The day started out nice. We took the boys to the park, and I made brunch. But things went downhill from there, and the boys' continual misbehaving has driven Amy to a state of constant paranoia, and she's developed a nervous twitch in her eye. It seems we are still in our rut of grumpiness. My friend Eskimo Bob suggested that it's the time of year that our bodies start to detox from the winter, and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. One would think that the coming of spring would make us blissful, but I have heard from schoolteachers that their students' behavior is predictably awful every March, like clockwork, and I know that our own boys have been rotten little scoundrels. So thank you, Bob, for imparting some of the mystical wisdom native to your people. I will be hoping that we come out of our doldrums soon.

I did get to take the Mrs. on a date last night. We spent $10.25 per ticket to see Monsters vs. Aliens in 3-D. It was solid, but nothing spectacular. If you haven't gone to a 3-D movie in the past few years, I definitely suggest you spend a few extra bucks sometime. You're going to see a lot more of it from Hollywood. Movie moguls are investing heavily in 3-D technology, and it definitely changes the experience. I could see it sucking you into a movie like never before, and I'm all about losing myself in the experience, so I'm looking forward to seeing something like Iron Man in 3-D. As for Monsters vs. Aliens, I'd give it two and a half stars. The story is a little weak, and they missed some opportunities to make a movie that was truly memorable, but you could do a lot worse. It's definitely not up to the insane standards Pixar has established for the new generation of animated movies, so if you want something truly great for kids and adults, this isn't it; Pixar's Up is out on May 29. But with over a month until the summer movie season kicks off, and no real competition until then, I would bet the farm that it is going to make a buttload of money. (By the way, I'd like to know: is buttload, boatload, or crapload biggest?)

Well, I am going to go salvage what is remaining of my Saturday night. Hopefully Amy isn't keeled over in a puddle of her own drool. Have a great remainder of the weekend.

Survey #2: Worst Movie Ever

2009-03-23T22:33:00.000-06:00

Okay people, it's time to dig in deep to your most horrific and painful memories, and cast your vote for the worst movies ever. It's been only two weeks since our last (and first) survey, which I had planned to make a monthly feature on the blog. But when I was at the Redbox today, I noticed that Rob Schneider's masterpiece, Big Stan, is going straight to DVD tomorrow, and I thought this would be a great topic. For those of you who missed the memo, Big Stan is the moving story of a con artist who panics when he learns he's going to prison for fraud, and his fear of jailhouse rape leads him to hire a martial arts guru to teach him self-defense. It gets better: the guru is none other than David Carradine, the actor who plays Bill on Kill Bill, and the movie's original title was Unrapeable. Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up. Anyhoo, the thought occurred to me, how bad would this movie have to be to be sent straight to DVD? Rob Schneider has set the bar pretty low with The Animal, The Hot Chick, and TWO Deuce Bigalow movies, all of which got theatrical releases. I am almost tempted to pick it up just to see how much worse it could be, and am extra intrigued because it features Jennifer Morrison (Cameron from House) as Schneider's wife.

So, let's hear your thoughts on some of your least favorite movies. The Animal may be the worst alleged comedy I've ever sat through, although the remake of The Producers came close. For overrated pretentious crap, it's hard to top The English Patient. For raping my childhood and destroying a classic, Treasure Planet deserves a special place in movie hell. 27 Dresses and Pillow Talk are two bad chick flicks that, even by bad chick flick standards (dialogue that makes you cringe, an obnoxious speech about love, and the girl predictably getting whatever she wants in the end, even if she's an incorrigible wench) are complete and utter garbage. Ghost Rider deserves a mention as possibly the worst movie I've seen in the last couple of years, or worst Nicolas Cage movie, which has kind of become its own genre. Cage seems to be playing with our minds, taking only the best and worst movies offered to him with absolutely no middle ground. And no list would be complete without Batman and Robin, which revels in its awfulness, and can only be described as super-gay, what with all the rubber nipples, codpieces, and choreographed henchmen wreaking havoc in rhythm, and nearly killed any future Batman films altogether. Alfred is at death's door, then just when all seems lost, comes out to say "I'm all better now. Oh, and I took the liberty of making Alicia Silverstone a bat-suit for ladies. You know, with boobies... just in case she wanted to fight crime. Or something." And we can't fail to mention Arnold Schwarzenegger's nuanced, subtle portrayal of Mr. Freeze. Anyway, whether it's of the "so-bad-it's-good" variety, or simply "so-bad-I-wanted-to bleach-my-eyes," the floor is now yours.

Aw, hamburgers!

2009-03-21T08:56:00.000-06:00

Utah's teams went 0-3 in March Madness this year. Now, BYU we all pretty much expect to get bounced in the first round. It's basically become as much a part of early spring as St. Patrick's Day. And I don't really give a crap about the U. either. But my Aggies won 30 games and I really thought they had a good chance to win a couple. This will do nothing to get the smaller conferences any respect with the Selection Committee.

In other news, this is pretty much how I've been feeling all week. I've always considered Stanley one of the most underrated characters of The Office. The world is full of chronically grumpy, disgruntled malcontents, and Leslie David Baker plays him so well that seeing him offscreen I was taken aback at how happy he seemed and how much he smiled. Anyway, I've had no energy nor patience this week, and neither has Amy, so as you can imagine, our house has been a little slice of heaven, and about as fun as a bucketful of spiders. So here's to finishing the month of March strong and embracing my best self. You too, Amy. Or else.

I want to go to there...

2009-03-20T07:54:00.000-06:00

Welcome to this dozenth post on Travels With Gilly. Sorry to have kept you waiting an entire week. I love blogging, and mean to do it 2-3 times per week, but this week I have been feeling pretty bland and uninspired. I have been wanting for the longest time to get away and refresh myself, and God knows Amy deserves a vacation too. It's up to me to get her one, seeing as I'm self-employed and any kind of substantial vacation will require funding from the heretofore empty coffers. I don't have paid time off, one of the real drawbacks of running your own business. Let that be a lesson to any reading this who have aught to complain about with a boss.

When I started doing this, I thought I would have more important stuff to say, since I always have an opinion about life, the universe, and everything. I am generally kind of a political junkie, but I have been feeling pretty apolitical and apathetic for a few months. So what you've gotten from me so far has been pretty lightweight. And mostly I like it. I love goofing off and making people laugh, and there will be a lot more of it in the future. But for today, I really just want to reflect and dream of being somewhere else of my choosing. I find it to be a really useful exercise to dig into your own motivations and then figure out how to make them come true. For me, a week alone reconnecting with the spousal unit would be my #1 wish in all the land. She does a lot for our chillins, and for me, but I've sensed her burnout the last few weeks. So I shall make it my goal to take her somewhere wonderful for our seventh anniversary this summer. Yep, we're nearing the seven-year itch. Our waifs will have to fend for themselves. I don't rightly know where we'll be, but it's gonna be good. Here, for your enjoyment, are some pictures of some of my favorite places in the whole world. I've been to all but a couple of them, but each inspired me. I hope you feel inspired too. Have a great weekend.

It's Jason Voorhees, Charlie Brown!

2009-03-13T18:31:00.000-06:00

Thanks to those who participated in my survey. I didn't get the participation I'd hoped for, but good answers. Fittingly, it's Friday the 13th, for the second month in a row... I thought this schoolboy drawing captured the spirit of the day beautifully, even though I am a little disappointed in this kid's creativity. I guarantee you, in real life, at least one Peanuts character would be impaled, quite possibly two at a time whilst getting it on. Jason is nothing if not inventive in his chosen means of dispatching his victims. Harpoons, weedwhackers, even electric guitars. And, of course, his trusty machete. I always feared loss of limb from the machete. Even so, I am really looking forward to this weekend, except it's doubly cursed (honestly, what are the chances of two cursed days occurring on the same weekend?) I, for one, am going to beware the Ides of March. (And for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, read Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Or just type it in on Google or Wikipedia). Apparently Mr. Yates' 10th-grade English class made an impression on me, or at least that part of that play. Anyhoo, have a fantastic weekend.

Survey: Favorite Movie Villains

2009-03-09T17:42:00.000-06:00

I have been toying with the idea of doing a monthly survey, but I need more readers than the six followers I've gained in my first month of blogging. Please bring your friends, even if they don't want to participate in the blog on a regular basis. This month's question: who is your favorite movie villain of all time? I myself am partial to Jason Voorhees, who I always feared would hack my limbs off when I was walking home from my friend Brandon's house after a Friday the 13th marathon on TNT's MonsterVision. The guy wouldn't die, even if he took a machete to the face. Plus, I always took a shortcut through a couple of neighborhood backyards, which saved me time, but looked remarkably like the woods at Camp Crystal Lake, especially if you'd just spent four hours with the poor, unsuspecting, promiscuous teenage camp counselors in installments I through VII. (And yes, that wasn't too far from my average Saturday night in high school, rather than doing whatever the cool kids do. I wouldn't know).

I also think that Buffalo Bill/Jame Gumb from Silence of the Lambs was much scarier than the famed Dr. Lecter, who you could almost classify as a protagonist in the film/book. Gumb was just creepy, making his woman suit and speaking to his prisoners as inanimate objects. I actually kind of aspired to be like Dr. Lecter: refined, polite, and brilliant, just without the taste for human flesh. Oh, and I just have to pass this on: I ran across a Japanese anime-style cartoon caricature of villain Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men. He looks so happy as he searches for the next victim of his airgun. Isn't he cute?

Anyhoo, who are your favorites? Discuss.

The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat...

2009-03-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

I love a great sporting event. And last night's Jazz game was certainly great. I got tickets to last night's game for my brother's birthday, and although they sucked for most of the first half, the Jazz made up for it later, coming up with some fantastic plays. It was probably the best game I've ever been to. And we had really good seats, on the 25th row. I've been to several games in the lower bowl in the last two years, and I'm really spoiled now. No more wondering, "Is that Shaq? Oh, no, it's John Stockton". I totally want to go in with someone on season tickets, as soon as it can be justified (which isn't now). There are 41 home games every year, though, and I doubt I'd go to more than 10 or so. But I digress. The really great thing about last night's game was that it came against Denver, which has a real punk of a superstar, Carmelo Anthony, and a real prick of a head coach, George Karl. AND, it pulled the Jazz to within half a game of the division lead. They have now won 10 games in a row. And now, the greatest sporting event of the year (in my opinion) is just around the corner: March Madness. Baseball's Opening Day will follow shortly after. So, as a tribute to towering athletic achievement, here are some photos of the truly great moments in sports: the bloopers. The boners. The screwups. I can already hear my sister, who is 26 and has a master's degree, giggling uncontrollably like a little girl.

2009-03-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Some of you have asked about the name of my blog. It is a reference to one of my favorite books, John Steinbeck's Travels with Charley: In Search of America, a documentation of a cross-country road trip he took across America in the 1960s with his French poodle, Charley, near the end of Steinbeck's life. I have had a strange lifelong wanderlust and really connected with the story, and have always thought it would be a fantastic way to see the country, traveling through on mostly highways and back roads to stamp out some of the homogenization caused by the Interstates. "Gilly" was a nickname given me by a former mission mission companion, taken from my last name. For my blog, I wanted something original, but accessible and unpretentious, and it seemed like a good fit. Your travels with me will probably differ wildly from post to post. That's just the kind of guy I am. One day I may write about my innermost thoughts on politics and existence, and the virtues and shortcomings of Taco Bell the next. So far it's been pretty lightweight. But I appreciate you being part of the journey, whether you read the blog or not. Until next post, Godspeed.

THAT'S more like it!

2009-03-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

Finally it is warming up. Time to hang ten! As I mentioned, I have been one whiny mofo for the past month, so I'm feeling like doing jumping jacks and cartwheels now that it's March. Not quite Speedo weather yet, but I basically consider now the start of spring since, on average, the coldest 90 days along the Wasatch Front are from late November to late February. I don't care when the spring solstice is. Soon we will be doing barbecues, sipping lemonade on the back porch, and enjoying brainless action movies. Cannonball!

John Adams: Our Fantastic But Kinda Douchey Founding Father

2009-02-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

So, I picked up the John Adams miniseries that aired last year on HBO, and the little woman and I have been watching an episode or two most every night after putting the kids to bed, and all I can say is wow. I love movies, and I see a lot of them, but this is some of the best filmmaking I've ever seen. Everything about it is fantastic. And it's a story that's worth becoming acquainted with. Adams has never gotten the accolades he deserves, probably because he was such an incorrigible prick at times, but if you ever want to come to a deeper respect for the commitment and sacrifice of the Founding Fathers, this is very worthwhile stuff. Adams is one of the most complex characters in our history. He was prickly and could be exceedingly arrogant. But he was also a brilliant and amazingly high-integrity man who valued doing the right thing over scoring political points, and cared deeply for the future of the country, and he deserves to be mentioned with Jefferson, Washington, and Franklin. Be warned that sporadically throughout the series there is some very harsh violence and other disturbing imagery that probably would border on an R rating. I find it well worth it since it's integral to the story. Aaron sez: see it, peoples.

That is a tasty burger!

2009-02-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

Again I'm without anything earth-shattering to say today, but feeling the need to post anyway. Can I just say how much I like beef? Red meat is truly one of life's greatest pleasures. Today I picked up some Six Dollar Burgers for dinner and they were spectacular. Thank you, cows, for giving your lives that I might slap cheese, bacon, and guacamole on you for a well-balanced meal. Thank you, ranchers, for raising these dogies up for our enjoyment. And thank you, slaughterhouses, for not caving in to the hippies.

We pillage and plunder, we rifle and loot, Drink up me hearties, yo ho...

2009-02-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, in the last couple of months Seth has taken to stealing Rolos every time he goes grocery shopping with Amy. It's always at Smith's, always when he's in the cart with the play truck up front, and always Rolos. It has happened five times now. I don't quite get it. I think there are a lot better candies out there. But I am proud that he learned the first lesson I taught him: don't get caught. Amy only finds out after he's started helping himself to them, so she has to pay for them, and she hates caramel (which should tell you right there that she ain't quite right), and I don't want to ingest all the sugar myself. So somewhere in the house are three partially eaten rolls of Rolos that we don't want to give him because we don't want to give tacit approval of his rascalism.

Enough of winter!

2009-02-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

So, here we are on Presidents' Day. I hadn't planned to take the day off, but was sick all weekend and I'm still dealing with it. Mostly I love me some holidays, but I'd prefer that we just make the first two days of March Madness a national holiday instead, or at least something to kick off the spring. We bought a little house this past September which we love, but we're on a corner, so I get to shovel lots more, and I hates it. It's been two years in a row now that we have just gotten POUNDED in Utah. I'm usually not such a Negative Nancy, but in February and August I start whining worse than Anakin Skywalker. I love all the seasons, but I'm pretty much moderate in everything: my politics, my weather... and, well, I guess that's it. But I live in Utah, so the joke's on me, because NOTHING is moderate here. I'm just busting at the seams to go enjoy some more outdoor activity, and I know my boys and our obnoxious dog are too. I never knew this about wiener dogs, but they are burrowers. Ike can spend 12 hours under a mountain of blankets without coming up for air. I don't mind it, except it's usually in our bed, and I feel the little ferret needs to know his place.

We did have a nice early Valentine's Day date Friday (a day early, when we were just starting to feel the effects of a cold). We had a nice dinner at Mimi's and then went to Chuck E. Cheese for some Skee-Ball and timed free throws, whatever it's called. The only way it could have been better would have been if they had air hockey and pool (although Amy doesn't share my love of billiards).

In other news, I had the single dumbest dream of my life Saturday night. I was on an LDS mission in Africa with all sorts of random people and we baptized some guy and everybody sang a big production version of "The Greatest Love of All". I was into it, and belting it out like I was in High School Musical or something. I don't know what on earth that was all about, but I feel stupid for even dreaming it. NyQuil does some funky stuff to you. Anyway, this is my first real blog entry, and it's been kind of disjointed, but that's the kind of week it's been. I wish you all an early spring, and invite you to come back often.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have seen this on Facebook a few days ago, but since I could only tag a few people, and since I need to get this blog started and I don't have anything in particular on my mind today, read on:

1. I feel like I've got an unusually easy marriage. When I was dating Amy, there were no head games or mixed messages and that's still what I like best about her.

2. I love kids and usually they love me. Sometimes at church I pick a random kid to play games with instead of, you know, worship. I especially love my own two boys, and really love it when they both bombard me at once.

3. I have to sit on the left at movie theaters. It's the damnedest thing. I don't know why, but if someone is sitting to my left, I'm like, "hey, what are you doing?"

4. I dislike people getting on their soapbox and acting all high and mighty. I'm a live and let live kind of guy and figure most people already know their weaknesses. Don't point out my occasional use of profanity and I won't point out that you're using antipsychotic drugs or not wearing enough deodorant.

5. My freshman year at Ricks was the funnest year of my life. I still have friends I keep in touch with from the dorms, and feel like I really came into my own.

6. I served a mission and was in a little country in Africa for seven months of it and have loved everything African ever since, and find Africans to be some of the best people on earth.

7. I love good food. If you want to get in my good graces, take me out for lunch or dinner, even if you've just insulted my mother or run over my dog, and I'll love you for it.

8. I forgive really easy. I might say harsh things and rant for a few minutes, then it's pretty much over.

9. I love the country. Country people, country music, rodeo, everything. I find life is much more simple there and I would live somewhere really rural if it were practical.

10. I am LDS and love the Church but hate how some people's misinterpretations cause them to act. I find it bothersome that some members are focused only on social issues instead of basic virtues like acceptance, kindness, generosity, etc.

11. I am up for almost anything, as long as it's not prohibitively expensive or insanely stupid. In the past year I have awakened at 5 am on Saturday in the dead of winter for a sparring session, gone branding, and eaten a Rocky Mountain Oyster, among other things.

12. I am a pretty good pianist and took lessons for nine years. I love jamming and teaching myself to play popular music. During my mission, I was known as the elder who could play November Rain from start to finish, and would have greenies and other missionaries I'd never met come up to me and ask me to play it, and I would be like, "who the hell are you?"

13. In college I became well-known for my impersonation of Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove. I had a couple of friends who really hyped it up, so I don't know if the accolades were fully deserved, but people always seem to enjoy it no matter how many times they've heard it.

14. I hate chewing gum. But I hate bad breath and other body odors even worse, and am very self-conscious if I think I might be the offending party, so I'll chew it if there are no breath mints or tic tacs or other alternatives. But you can be sure I'll have spit it out within two minutes.

15. I find rail-thin supermodels disgusting. I like some curves on my women... er, woman.

16. Last year I decided to like pickles on sheer willpower. I'd never liked them, but thought I was missing out because everybody who liked them REALLY liked them, so I overcame my mind and now I eat them on sandwiches and burgers regularly.

17. Other points of view really don't bother me. Religious, political, whatever. Even if you're stone cold crazy, I can still like you, as long as you have a sense of humor and can laugh at the absurdity of life. Yes, I'm talking to you, Sean Penn.

18. Cats suck as pets. That's not even an opinion, it's a fact. Cats are devious, skulking little creatures, and for my money, a pet that's cold, aloof, and considers itself master of the house isn't worth having. If you feed, shelter, and love a dog, it will take a bullet for you. Loyalty matters.

19. As far back as I can remember, I've always loved movies, and I think Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, and Morgan Freeman are three of the coolest people ever.

20. The physical characteristic I dislike most about myself is male pattern baldness. It has gotten worse in the past year and a half and I've started to thin out in the back. My dad and my maternal grandfather are/were both bald as a cue ball, so I had no chance. Thanks, mom and dad.

21. I am a bread and soup snob. Ever since returning from Portugal (where my mission was based), I can barely choke down enriched crap like Wonder Bread and a lot of canned soup that passes for real food here in the States. I frequently get bread that costs $5 a loaf and I don't care, and my wife and I try new soup recipes every fall through spring that are sometimes a little expensive to find the ingredients for, but it's pretty much a non-negotiable.

22. I have a heart-shaped mole on my back which Amy discovered when we were engaged and is in love with. No, it's not a gross, sticky-outy one.

23. After Ricks, I transferred to Utah State, although I never liked it growing up because almost everyone from my high school went there and I considered it Box Elder University. But I now consider it by far to be the best campus, basketball team, and college town in the state. That's not really debatable either. UVSC is second-rate, maybe even third-rate, and I refuse to ever call it UVU.

24. My most embarrassing moment occurred at Willard Bay when I was 14 or 15. It was a Young Men/Young Women combined activity and I was being dragged behind a motorboat on a tube and lost my trunks. Needless to say, I was hesitant to get back in the boat, and a lady drove up on her boat holding my trunks and asking if they belonged to anyone. Oh, and there was a girl that I really liked in the boat at the time.

25. The day after finishing my junior year of high school, I broke my foot while shooting baskets in the backyard. I got the ball caught between the rim and backboard, and ran and jumped to punch it out, and landed awkwardly on the grass and heard two loud snaps. I spent the entire summer in a cast as a gimp, but still went camping a couple of times and was forced by the Nazis in my family to walk up Mount Timpanogos in my walking cast.

Ta-da!

2009-02-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am officially the last person left on Earth without a blog, and I've finally been worn down. My sister swears blogging is therapeutic, so I will be sure to keep all you peoples informed of my every move. For my next trick, I will make this entire pencil disappear... volunteers?