Thursday, January 19, 2012

Milk Crisis: A Nightmare in G Major

About six months ago, I came across this charming little clip from Sesame Street, which I had long since forgotten but I'm convinced had a formative effect subconsciously, and may even be responsible for some of the problems in my life. Unfortunately, I was only about a month in to what became a seven-month sabbatical from blogging, so my thoughts are diluted and full of cobwebs. Maybe it's for the best. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up. Not a frame or note has been changed. It definitely belongs in the "What Were They Thinking?" category. It's the story of a milkman, arriving just in time to feed a hungry baby. Sound cute and cuddly? See for yourself:

Yes, that just happened. What begins as an innocent demonstration of where milk comes from quickly turns into a descent into hell. When the music turns ominous, I'm sure that the truck is going to crash and the baby is going to starve. Before long, I'm sobbing. "Please, someone, anyone get the kid some milk!" And indeed, all ends well, except for some emotional scarring that will surface decades later after the kid's third divorce and a bout with alcoholism. Perhaps American kids are just too spoiled. In the Old World, fairy tales used to end with naughty or disobedient children being disemboweled or skinned alive. But I digress.

The good news is, that kind of horror show would never air today. But unfortunately, Sesame Street producers seem to have no balls at all nowadays. Even Katy Perry's cleavage was deemed too offensive to make it to the final cut of a show last year. Thanks a lot, overzealous Christians. The Cookie Monster has been neutered, having undergone electro-shock therapy to adjust his diet to be well-balanced. Thanks, pantywaist granola-eating hippies. I'd like to think that there's some kind of happy medium. But I'm afraid the sheer weirdness of my childhood can now be enjoyed only on YouTube. Here's to the 1970s and early eighties. And now, as an apology for the disturbing content from before, once again with the help of Sesame Street, we take you back to a happier time. Who of us doesn't have a cherished childhood memory of walking through Manhattan, alone, to take your pet llama to the dentist? Fair warning: if you watch even half of this video, this song will be stuck in your head for weeks. Enjoy!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

James Earl Jones + Justin Bieber 4Ever

Okay, so this is neither original nor thought-provoking, but I came across it and it made me laugh: James Earl Jones reading the lyrics of a Justin Bieber song. Read aloud, it's even more asinine, and making him do it is probably elder abuse. He could have at least thumbed his nose at the retards on The Gayle King Show by saying, "Oh, baby, baby, I find your lack of faith disturbing". But I hope you enjoy. And even more, I hope he will agree to narrate my life. Good night, everyone.